Nicholeen – Worldwide Organization for Women

May Is For Mothers

May 8, 2023 by Nicholeen

There is an attack on motherhood. However, May, the month of flowers, birds, and life, the month that reminds us of all that we are grateful for, brings our hearts back to the simple, yet powerful lessons of our mothers. Lessons of gratitude, strength, work, and love, that mothers teach, need to be honored. May, the time of light after the spring storms, is the perfect time to remember the light that mothers bring to our lives and our societies. So, this year, people all over the planet are using the hashtag #MayisforMothers as they post photos, videos, and notes of gratitude for the power of their mothers and being a mother.

Since the 1970s, motherhood and the fundamental role of mothers has been philosophically, and socially attacked. The social messaging about motherhood is that it’s a drudgery, considered undesirable, lesser than any paid vocation, and even a sign of oppression or a mental condition. For example, when I was pregnant with my fourth child, I heard some female college students talking. They concluded their discussion with this assumption: “a person who chooses to become a mother must be mentally disturbed.” Thankfully, despite the negativity surrounding motherhood as a chosen life path, people still choose to become mothers, they love being mothers, and are empowered by their chosen role as a mother.

The Power of Mothers

Why is motherhood under attack? Because it’s the most powerful social, spiritual, physical, psychological, biological, and political position a person could ever hold, and dedicated mothers who are “all in” know it. Mothers and grandmothers who don’t buy into the negative messaging about motherhood, but quietly accept the responsibility of raising the next generation of people to be good, honest, brave, hardworking, kind, loving, and true are given overwhelming proof of the power in honoring motherhood as they see the people that they’ve molded go against the negative cultural trends of the day. I like to think I’m one of those people. Thanks Mom!!!

When motherhood came under attack by the feminist culture of the 1970s, suddenly women all over the planet felt that it was time to bring the power of motherhood to the discussion table. Women flocked to the United Nations and social events to articulate the power of motherhood while other women tried to gain public platforms to tear down motherhood and dishonor the impact a good mother has on all of our lives. Those battles continue to be waged in the same social arenas. However, mothers aren’t fighting back, because they truly don’t have the time or the stomach for battles. This battle against motherhood that has been waging for quite some time has now become more intense. Mothers are now considered to be obstacles to get around for those who desire the power to capture the hearts and minds of the next generation of children.

The Greatest Threat

Currently, parents are presented in public forums as dangers to children. This idea then presents support for the assumption that children must be rescued from their parents. To gain perspective of what is happening, it is useful to look to the past. Historically, the act of stealing children or sacrificing children has been one way forces of evil have exercised dominion over families and nations. Think Hitler, Mao and the child sacrifice rituals to evil gods in ancient times. Parents, specifically mothers, were forced to give up their children for some perceived societal good or to a false god in order for the ruling powers to gain greater control over the hearts and minds of the people. To these rulers, children were considered materials, like money or animals, owned or transferred by adults for their purposes to control. If parents, specifically mothers, are continually marginalized, then who will protect the children and preserve their identities as valuable individuals? What will the future of society look like?

Mothers are the gate keepers for freedom, and virtue. They nurture these qualities in the hearts and minds of their children. If mothers stay close to their children and raise them well, then freedom and virtue, both in our society and in the lives of our children, can be maintained. A mother’s influence is too strong for a total societal takeover if she is allowed the power to maintain her place at the helm of society; raising her children. This is why motherhood, fertility, holy intimacy, family structure, identity, and the parent/child bonds are being attacked from every possible angle. All of the attacks are attempts to steal the hearts and minds of children from their mothers.

Mothers are the greatest threat to those who design and scheme for ways to control or change society. Mothers, who hold the heart strings of all of her children and teach them who to trust and not trust, who to listen to or not, are the big stumbling block for the dark enemies of the family.

Love Over Money

Motherhood is an unpaid position. That is precisely what gives it such power. A woman mothers her children because she wants to, not because she is getting paid. Payment to mothers would cheapen their role as a mother. And, even though people have tried to pay mothers off for their children and “service”, most women will not sell the hearts and minds of their children for money. Motherhood isn’t about gain. She doesn’t mother for herself directly, even though there are obvious indirect benefits to motherhood. Mothers do what they do because of love. Money is never going to be more valuable than love. Love is too strong. It’s that strength that gives mother such great power; a power that threatens would-be power-seekers and can’t be taken or fabricated.

In a time when motherhood is more important and more attacked than ever, it’s time for a new motherhood movement. Women from around the world held a summit about this issue recently and determined that May is for mothers (#MayisforMothers.) No matter where we all are in the world, let’s post all the great things about mothers and grandmothers. Without mothers and grandmothers, we wouldn’t be who we have become. Let’s share stories of power and purpose and the impact for good that come from mothers. Motherhood is under attack because it’s powerful all by itself. Motherhood doesn’t have to fight back. A virtuous mother is moving the needle toward greater goodness just by doing what she does and as a nurturer and example of love to her children and grandchildren. There is nothing more powerful than a mother who knows how much power she has!

Spread the word that #MayisforMothers

And, if you or your organization is interested in being part of the next Woman Watch Network Summit, please contact here for information with the subject Woman Watch Network.

Today’s Complexity Demands More Simplicity

April 7, 2023March 30, 2023 by Nicholeen

“It’s harder for children nowadays with all of the technology and temptations and bad examples”, a mother said to me at a recent conference where I was speaking. We talked for a moment about the differences between her childhood and the childhood of her children. She was concerned. She felt lost and confused about what she should do to help them navigate these unfamiliar challenges. Then she said, “The complexities of today must require more complex solutions.”

I understood her concerns , and why she would assume complex problems require complex solutions; however, I knew her assumption was incorrect. One thing I’ve learned in all the years of raising my four children and doing therapeutic treatment care for the many foster children who came to stay with us, is modern complexities demand simple solutions.

Finding Simple Solutions Through Principles

When the BBC asked me to be on their program, The World’s Strictest Parents, in 2009, they took some time before the beginning of the program to tell me about all the issues with which the two 17-year-old teens were struggling. It was clear to me the producers were hoping to foster some stress or worry in me. But I wasn’t concerned. For many years, I’d taken in some of the most difficult youth the state had to offer. I had seen behaviors I didn’t even know existed. I knew there wasn’t much I hadn’t seen. I knew no matter what behaviors these two new youth would use to try to gain control or cause trouble, the solution was always the same – appeal to my principles.

In order to create a firm and loving home where the spirit of love could reside, despite the issues children in our home were facing, we had to rely heavily upon the following principles: honesty, calmness, patience, trust, acceptance, love, work, play, compassion, mercy, justice, loyalty, unity, understanding, open-communication, roles, health, timing, time, identity, trust, priorities, teaching, planning, correcting, praising, problem solving, leadership, emotional intelligence, emotional strength, and self-government.

To accomplish the task of living by my principles, which is much harder than simply identifying them, I had to create a system. A system would support the entire family as we navigated problems. Our system included pre-teaching the family certain principle-based skills, such as: how to follow instructions, how to be calm, how to accept disappointment and “no” answers, how to accept corrections, and how to disagree appropriately. We also taught the children all the parenting skills for correcting and teaching so our parenting would follow another principle – predictability.

The following are a few of the simple solutions I created for our family using principles.

Love — Look into their eyes every time I talk to them and think “I love you” while talking.
Unity — Have regular meetings as a family to discuss our family relationships and solving family problems. Families also need more time together playing and working to have more unity.
Justice — Consistently pre-teach, correct, and praise the children so they are held accountable and have more success. They need to have the opportunity to earn negative and positive consequences.
Work — Work as a family each day, as well as, have the opportunity to do individual work daily.
Trust — Give instructions, but don’t micro-manage. If they don’t follow through, just do a calm correction.
Calmness — Make my own calm plan to use if I find myself not feeling calm, and help my children do the same.
Self-Government — Teach my children cause and effect and how to self-assess and self-correct. This will empower them. This also requires calm teaching.

Principles Make Problem Solving Simple

Modern technologies, with all their conveniences, make parenting and boundaries seem more difficult and may even lead parents to assume they need to get creative in their parenting to handle misuse, addictions, or safety issues. But creativity can be complex and isn’t required. Simplicity and principles are best.

For example: To solve misuse of or addiction to technology remember the principle – roles. What is the role of a child? A child is a learner. This means the child is always learning. What is the role of parent? A parent is a teacher. Everything they do or endorse is encouraging a lesson of some sort. What is the role of a device? It is supposed to be a tool. Once the roles are established the parent can ask themselves, “Is my child using the tool as a tool or as a toy?” and “Is the device teaching my child the things they ought to be learning?” Finally, “As a teacher, should I be endorsing this teaching device and the lessons being learned?” If the answer is no, then the parent must consult another principle – time. “Is this the right time of life for my child to use this tool?” or “How much time is appropriate for device usage if my child is to live a healthy life?” After answering these questions, the parent can feel confident creating boundaries or giving “no” answers about devices.

What about all the attitude problems and emotional walls children are creating in their relationships with their parents? Those may also seem like they need intricate interventions. They don’t. Principles have always worked at solving problems because they are eternal and broadly applicable. Again, the solution is the simple connection and application of principles.

To solve relationship problems, a parent can consider the principles of time, patience, priorities, open communication, trust, roles, honesty, and deliberate planning. Let me explain how I correct relationship problems. First, I would have what I call a parent counseling session with the child. We would talk about what we want our relationship to be like. I would then describe the problem I see with the relationship. Next, we would plan how we will spend more time together to have more open talks while also counseling together about being patient as we get used to the relationship changing. We might also discuss how to course correct if we see our relationship suffering again in the future. Finally, as a parent, I consistently follow through with course corrections and keep the open dialog going. Relying on principles makes it simple.

In 2014, L. Tom Perry said, “Today’s complexity demands more simplicity”. Then, he shared a life lesson from his grandfather that taught him a principle for life. The oldest books and the wisest people teach principles. Historically, those are the sources we have always gone to for answers to our problems. Nowadays the answer to problems is the same. Match your practices with your principles and the solutions become simple, even though the problems are different.

Find Nicholeen’s principle-based parenting skills at https://teachingselfgovernment.com/

Positive Online Posting Makes A Difference!

April 7, 2023March 14, 2023 by Nicholeen

Sometimes it’s nice to find out that something we’re doing is really working to bring about good
things. Positive online posting makes a big difference in our world, even if it doesn’t always
seem like there is time to do it.

This week a parent, who attends my weekly digital parenting support group, wanted advice for
how to balance the craziness of life. She concluded her questions, about her scheduling
conundrum, by saying, “One other issue is that I keep feeling that I need to start a blog/YouTube
channel to share the messages that God has put in my heart. My main mission is to care for my
family and raise my son up, but I keep sensing this inward push to reach other people…”
At first glance, a person may think that this mother needs to drop the idea of positively impacting
the world with a blog or channel because she has enough to do as a mom. I believe in priorities,
and that children and family should always top the list of priorities. And, this mother wants to use
this project to align with her priorities by inspiring people to love family, God, and parenting as
much as she does. She is feeling a call to do something, really wants to do it, and isn’t sure that
she can fit it in, but the important thing is that it is a call. She doesn’t want fame or power, but
she wants to do what God is impressing her to do. This project seems less like a hobby and
more like a purpose to me since God is making the call.

The Coordinated Effort

This week, at the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women [CSW] conference, I
attended an event designed to be a strategy session to coordinate efforts against religious and
family groups. Since I lead a group that advocates for religious freedom and families, I was
interested to listen in. The panel of speakers mentioned that the religious and family advocates
are “very coordinated” and seem to be “dominating social media with misinformation and fear-
mongering.”

They began by honoring people in the room for being approved editors for wiki information,
search platforms that allow public editors, and then called for the importance of seeing religion
through a new social lens that they called, “a bio-diversity lens.” The panel’s enemies, who are
the “very coordinated, religious, anti-rights activists”, were made to sound covert when they
said, “They have a great understanding of social issues and how to instill fears.”

Ultimately, the calls to action were to get tech companies on their side by using Artificial
Intelligence and data collection measures to steer messaging and control outcomes, get more
funding, become coordinated, and to work on “reclaiming religious interpretation.” I think that my
biggest takeaway was that they were reading the coordination situation completely wrong.

The Real Coordination

During this meeting, my colleagues and I were amazed that we were getting credit for
something that we were definitely not doing. Someone else was coordinating efforts to cause
this much frustration. Not us.

After the meeting, a woman told me that God had been impressing her to do something to
strengthen and uplift mothers online. Then, some hours later, I read the question above from the other mother on my support group. These two women of different faiths were both feeling
impressed by God to give strength and uplift to mothers and families online. No person
coordinated it. God did. It suddenly hit me, that God is working his miracles to help families and
parents through many people online.

Simple posts about optimistic, real life principles, truths, experiences, and families are causing
anti-family, anti-religious groups to fear that they are losing ground. They are scrambling for
control as they try to get their people to coordinate and take action to stop all the good
messages happening online. The messages that are giving people hope or telling precious
truths that uplift, inspire or expose concerns.

Power In Numbers

There really is power in numbers of inspired people who want goodness. Hopper, the villain
grasshopper, from the movie A Bug’s Life taught this valuable lesson about the impact of one
good ant with these words, “One ant? You let one ant stand up to us, then they all might stand
up! Those puny little ants outnumber us a hundred to one and if they ever figure that out there
goes our way of life! It’s not about food, it’s about keeping those ants in line.”

So, what if we all just post something good each week? Don’t worry about the people who say
that it’s offensive to talk about how happy you are about your children or your faith. Those
people aren’t ready for the message yet. However, each person with an open heart who is
looking for more out of life or just some refreshing truth, who reads your message or sees your
photo or reel will stand up a little taller for one day and might even share that love and light with
someone else.

I know life’s busy. We all feel that we need more time. However, when the whole world could
change and evil could get turned on its head by a little bit of goodness and truth, it’s worth a little
bit of time. A self-governed approach to social media posting might be best for the truly time
challenged. Just schedule it. Tell yourself that you have 15 minutes before lunch on Tuesday to
make a post. Stick to the task so that you can justify the time. Add all those hearts and thumbs
another time. You’ll be in and out with a quick post, and the world war for our hearts, beliefs,
families, and souls finds more peace and truth with you in it.

Apparently, according to the recent meeting I attended at the United Nations, it really is that
simple. Positive online posting makes a big difference! Thank you all for taking the time to be
part of such an inspired coordinated effort for good!

Improve positivity in your heart and home by attending the next Parenting Mastery Training.

WOW Africa Future Initiative Programs

April 7, 2023November 20, 2022 by Nicholeen

WOW Africa women in Anambra state are investing in the future of the next generation by hosting programs to prepare youth for better futures.

WOW Africa was asked by local schools to give a message of hope and purpose to boys and girls.

WOW Africa leadership sees the wisdom in putting their focus on the youth to prepare them to pave a better way forward for their society.

WOW Africa has a history of working with community leaders to improve health care, education, helping those with disabilities and helping widows and women financially. Their future initiative is just another step forward for creating positive change for Nigeria.

WOW Africa Leadership Program

April 7, 2023September 7, 2022 by Nicholeen

The women of WOW Africa Nigeria in Anambra state are making waves as they train the next generation of young people to be leaders. WOW Africa knows that to create a better future for Nigerian woman the men must be educated too.

WOW has provided principled leadership materials and training to youth in Nigeria and the results have been warmly accepted.

School leaders and parents have praised WOW Africa’s Leadership Training as some of the best they’ve seen. And, they can’t wait to get more youth there again next year.

Here are some photos of their latest event.

WOW Africa Radio Speaker Series About Trafficking

April 7, 2023July 7, 2022 by Nicholeen

WOW takes a hard stance against child trafficking!

WOW Africa has been doing a great job highlighting the trafficking problem in Nigeria and effectively educating the population about what to watch for as well as how to keep women and children safe from traffickers.

Being Your Child’s Safe Place

April 7, 2023July 7, 2022 by Nicholeen

It’s currently commonplace to see youth aggressively confronting adults when, not too long ago, that behavior would never have been condoned. And, sadly this aggressive behavior is being misinterpreted as behavior necessary for the emotional safety of the child. If parents want to be the ‘safe place’ for their child, then it’s vital that they don’t lose sight of their irreplaceable roles as teachers and guides to their child in the face of day-to-day childhood emotional entitlement.

I once witnessed a 14-year-old child yelling at her mother because her mother said she didn’t feel good about her going to a friend’s house. The yelling behavior instantly changed the focus for the mother. The mother was triggered by her child’s emotion to provide emotional safety for her child, so she allowed the yelling behavior. This led to the mother agreeing with the child and saying nothing about the disrespectful behavior. After the outburst the mother said, “You can go. Come give me a hug.” The two hugged and the child went to the friend’s house. Sadly, this story ends in the child getting into a car accident caused by her friend’s mother driving intoxicated.

Even though the intoxicated mother actually crashed the car, the mother of the 14-year-old, who allowed her to go, is also to blame; maybe even more so. That mother knew the child shouldn’t go to the friend’s house but allowed the emotions of her child to be more important than the guidance the child needed and the gut feeling she had. The mother interpreted her daughter’s emotional outburst as her daughter needing to feel safe. So, the mother assumed that her “no” answer had made her daughter feel unsafe.

Fast forward a few years and this mother/daughter relationship is not healthy. The mother is constantly trying to placate to her daughter’s ever-escalating emotions, and the daughter is unhappy and emotionally disconnected from her mother. Passively allowing her daughter to regularly yell at her has hurt their relationship and disconnected the healthy parent/child bond that should exist.

The Untruth About Feeling ‘Safe’

Many children and parents have been convinced that “feeling safe” means having everything go your way and according to your comfort level. But, in reality, that is the most unsafe position a person could ever be in. When will a person ever be able to control every other person or feeling of discomfort around them? Never, especially if everyone else is attempting to emotionally control every other person around them for their own safe feeling, too. The only way for children to feel truly safe is to be prepared for “no” answers, upsets, doing hard things, and honoring parents who aren’t afraid to guide their children, even if it requires correcting the child’s behavior.

When the words “child” and “safe” are put in the same sentence, parent ears automatically perk up. What parent isn’t concerned about their child’s safety? Looking out for the safety of our children is hardwired into us the moment we see them so tiny and helpless as infants. They literally rely upon us for everything, and we know that they won’t be able to have full autonomy until they’ve gone through proper development. Yet, today, the healthy development of children is under attack by untruths that use words like “child” and “safe.” Confused parents who hope for the safety of their children are being misguided and are creating entitlement problems for their children by facilitating yelling matches with their children.

Saying Nothing Is The Wrong Message

A mother named Christa recently wrote to me with the following question, “I am curious what your thoughts are on the popular notion, ‘Well your child acts out with you because you are their safe place.’ And then person A goes on to encourage person B to just keep doing what they’re doing as a parent. This is not an experience I’ve personally had, but I hear this between other moms a lot and it just doesn’t entirely set right with me.”

There is a reason this statement doesn’t sit right with Christa. It’s an untruth. To suggest that a parent should turn over their parental role to a feeling that a child is having is wrong. To teach a child that they must give into their emotions is to lead them toward emotional bondage for life. Parents who say nothing or do nothing about disrespectful, emotionally entitled behavior in their children are actually giving the message to their children that their aggressive behavior is healthy and effective for solving problems and that family roles are irrelevant.

Why do parents not allow their children to watch certain movies, play certain games, or be on certain apps or websites? Because they can’t condone some behaviors or ideas promoted by those sources. Parents seem to intrinsically know that if they allow their child to see something and don’t say anything about it or stop it, then they are showing approval of what the child has just seen or heard. Saying nothing shows approval.

Principles are broadly applicable. If a parent’s silence during an inappropriate movie shows acceptance of the behavior in the movie, then it is also true that if a parent is silent when a child is rude, mean, misbehaves, or states untruths that the parent is showing approval of that type of behavior or thinking.

If parents don’t teach their children to get calm and respect them, then the child learns two kinds of entitlement, emotional entitlement and relationship entitlement. It also teaches children to be controlling of others instead of teaching them to have self-control.

Parents Can Become Real Safe Places

It is true that a person who is attempting to micro-manage their environment or who is emotionally unloading on another person likely has anxiety at the moment. Anxious or worried feelings can make a person feel vulnerable. This vulnerability can be interpreted as a feeling of not being safe. It is also true that some people don’t express themselves or attempt to solve their problems if they don’t feel comfortable talking to someone about the problem they are attempting to solve. These two observances could be leading parents to believe that if a child yells at them or mistreats them, that the child is doing something healthy and displaying a feeling of safety.

However, another truth about this aggressive behavior directed at parents is that children who create a habit of emotionally dumping on their parents develop unhealthy social boundaries and bonds, unhealthy entitlement issues, lack of respect for parents, and inability to successfully, calmly solve their problems. While yelling at a parent is one way to get a point across, it is not the most effective way to get a point across. Parents who raise the communication bar for their children by teaching them the calm communication skills they need to really be understood and maintain bonds at the same time, ultimately give their children much more understanding and safety for the long run.

The following four actions are useful at becoming your child’s real safe place: have regular open talks with you child, teach your child how to recognize and choose calmness, teach your child the communication skills that they will need to solve problems, and consistently and lovingly help your child course correct when they are going off course.

Teach the child how to talk to you by having regular talks. Children should feel that communication with parents is always welcome. If the child has established a habit of talking and planning with their parents through regular family meetings and talk times, then the child will see having a healthy conversation as a viable option for solving a problem or getting understood.

Teach the child about calmness. Calmness is taught through example and training. Children can learn what calmness is and isn’t and how to recognize calm feelings and behavior in themselves. To teach this principle, parents can deliberately teach calmness to their children, discuss behavior that they see around them, and help their children develop a calm plan for when they are needing to increase calmness.

Communication skills are learned environmentally. Communication methods shown to children, whether healthy or unhealthy, will be seen as the communication standard for the child throughout life. Wise parents create environments where children learn how to accept the “no” answers of life and how to disagree appropriately with others, as well as other vital self-government skills that can help the child be understood throughout life.

As guides and teachers for children, parents express love by pointing out when a child is not on a healthy course and what they need to do to course correct. Parents, more than any other influence in a child’s life, are the ones who have the authority and the obligation to correct their children. When parents consistently and lovingly correct their children, then the children learn that correction is part of life and is healthy to embrace. When children accept correction from parents, this frees them to self-correct. If they don’t get the opportunity to accept correction from parents, then they lose identity and power. Parents who live their identity instill proper identity to their children. And, children who know that they can correct themselves are more motivated to make positive changes in their lives instead of making excuses, not accepting responsibility for their actions, or getting emotionally blocked as people who don’t accept correction do.

Being the safe place for your child is vital for the child’s future security, maturity, and problem-solving success. It requires the parent to take an active, not passive, role in instructing their child and opening communication instead of taking an emotional beating from their child. Christa is right. Allowing a child to yell at their parent just doesn’t feel right. And, coupling yelling, which is obviously not an emotionally safe action, with the word ‘safe’ seems ironic. Calmness and good communication are clearly safer communication alternatives.

Start calm parenting for free with Nicholeen’s free Calm Parenting Toolkit.

Self-Governed People Train Their Focus Forward

April 7, 2023May 30, 2022 by Nicholeen

“I think I ruined my child,” a mother told me in desperation as she explained some of the behavior problems and disconnection problems her teenage son was having. She was being honest with herself about mistakes that she might have made in her son’s upbringing. My heart ached for her. She might have unknowingly done some things that led her son in the wrong direction. We don’t know what we don’t know. But, it isn’t productive to beat ourselves up for what we didn’t know or mistakes we made. A self-governed person doesn’t spend their time regretting what they’ve done in the past. Instead, they train their focus on where they’re going and on future actions and thoughts so that they can have better outcomes later.

Just because I teach parenting through the lens of the principle of self-government, doesn’t mean that I’ve always been perfect as a person or a parent. I’ve yelled before. I spanked my oldest child once, and then regretted it. I’ve had parent attitude problems and had moments of selfishness. And, I’m glad, because I’ve learned about my possible tendencies and weaknesses so that I can change bad thoughts and behaviors in the future.

Self-Government Is About The Future

Self-government is being able to determine the cause and effect of any given situation and possessing a knowledge of our own behaviors so that we can control them. This means that a person determines who they ought to be and then plans to become that best version of themselves. The self-governed person acknowledges that people have weaknesses, and accepts imperfections in order to keep working toward their plan. Self-governed people try to catch themselves in weak moments and gently course correct themselves so that they inch ever closer to the version of themselves that God knows they can become; who they ought to be.

This means that a self-governed person analyzes the past to recognize patterns of thought and behavior in order to better understand cause and effect. The purpose of analyzing past actions and thoughts is for moving forward, not for exposing lack of perfection in the past. A truly self-governed person doesn’t expect themselves to ever be perfect. They embrace imperfections and indefinite chances to improve by being merciful, hopeful, calm, and kind as they correct themselves.

There isn’t a benefit to tearing ourselves down because of flaws. Guilt is healthy, but self-loathing and lack of hope for self is harmful and anti-productive.

Focus Forward With Forgiveness

Idealists are amazing! Many of the most inspiring people I know are idealists. Any person who recognizes that they can improve themselves, work harder, discover more, become better, or lift others is somewhat idealistic. They see a vision of what is possible and work toward it. They hold out hope for increased goodness in all things. But, idealists are also likely to struggle with forgiving self or others for mistakes or deliberate bad choices.

A good parent knows that to help a child have a change of heart, a parent must continually forgive childhood mistakes and keep teaching with optimism and purpose. Children respond better and recognize more truth if damaging emotions like fear and shame don’t pollute the teaching and correcting moments that are required for their improvement. This tone of trust, acceptance, love, calmness, understanding, and teaching that good parents must use to reach their child’s heart and look past mistakes in the tone of forgiveness.

Why, then, would we parent ourselves with anything less than forgiveness, too? That’s right; adults parent themselves. We instruct, praise, and correct ourselves…or we don’t. Either way, it is parenting. And, when we parent ourselves with hope, respect, understanding, calmness, trust, acceptance, and love, we change our focus from what happened to what will happen in the future.

Self-Government Is All About The Future

It’s much more productive to focus on what will happen or can happen in the future than what has happened in the past. Training ourselves to focus forward guides our steps and trains our thoughts for success instead of getting us stuck in past mistakes.

When I teach people about setting up a self-government environment in their own homes, I always begin by talking about what families hope to become and what gets in the way of those hopes. When we discuss what gets in the way of becoming the family they feel they ought to be, many parents acknowledge that things like distraction, selfishness, lack of good communication, not having the right skills, fatigue, and damaging outside influences, etc. all affect their family cultures and desired family outcomes. As we make the list of what gets in the way, many people feel liberated. They recognize that they can plan for how to navigate most of those things and that focusing on excuses will never solve the problems they see. They must look past the obstacles.

Keeping focused on where we are headed gives us a clear path in a cloudy world. The same mother who thought she had ruined her child recently told me, “Nicholeen, even though my son isn’t bonded as well as I would like yet, he has some good moments. We are making progress. And, more than anything, I know that I am doing everything I can to help us develop a better future.”

This family isn’t perfect yet. Self-government is a lifetime pursuit and takes vigilance. But, they are moving forward. She has forgiven herself and her son, and they are building on the good experiences and hoping for more as they learn the skills they need to navigate the difficulties they are facing. Anti-family, social messaging has drawn this boy from his family bonds and his moral roots. But, a family focusing on the future is showing him the truth about family and setting things straight.

True freedom, which comes from living the principle of self-government, is available to all people as long as they forgive themselves and others from past mistakes and keep their focus on where they are going. We can learn from the past. Cause and effect is vital to self-government learning. But, we shouldn’t get stuck in the past or take the past personally. Freedom is a focus forward principle.

Get the skills and focus help you need with Nicholeen’s Teaching Self-Government course.

7 Lessons Aging Parents Teach Their Children & Grandchildren

April 7, 2023May 2, 2022 by Nicholeen

Even though my mom and I differ in activity level and even in personality traits, that doesn’t stop me from being grateful for the many lessons that she unknowingly teaches me. Maybe I appreciate the lessons learned from Mom because I’m looking for them. It could certainly be possible to miss these lessons if a person were not looking for them. However, when we deliberately search for teaching from our parents, no matter how old we are or they are, there are always lessons that can be learned. Here are just seven of the lessons aging parents teach their families.

1. First, identity is born in the family setting. Aging parents, especially mothers, give their children increased identity. Mothers usually hold the heartstrings of their children and family members for life due to the nurturing role they’ve had in everyone’s existence. This forever tie to mother gives a child a sense of security as they go through life. Obviously, if the bond is not correct, this could also be detrimental to the child throughout life.

Aging parents, like my mom, are known for telling stories from days gone by. That is one of the best things they could do. I know some older people think that the younger generation will be bored with their stories, but that isn’t true. Stories from the past are always relevant to the identity of the next generation, even if they seem boring or not impressive. Stories about the past give us understanding about who we have become and why, and they remind us that the people we are talking to have had a profound life journey, just like we’re having.

Stories don’t just give us context for our lives, but they also give us vision of who we want to become. Aging parents show their posterity who they want to become. Even if the parent isn’t perfect, they still give their families inspiration to move in a productive direction.

2. Second, when life starts moving slower, priorities are much more obvious. The older generation offers the younger generation a view of what’s really important. When career and thrill seeking are no longer the top time takers in a person’s life, then what priorities come into view? Family, people, God, and condition of heart all seem to top the priority list of the aging person. Suddenly, time with family becomes the most important part of their lives. That is a great reminder to a busy father or young mother. Family time is actually the most fulfilling time of all.

3. Third, aging parents get the opportunity to empower the next generation by being an example of strength during adversity. When the body starts slowing down and even falling apart in some cases, this can seem like a burden or something to be afraid of to a young person. But, an older person that goes through that stage of life with confidence and courage destroys that fear and offers powerful perspective of the inner strength that never leaves us, no matter what is happening on the outside. When I’m with Mom, I see her do more each day than she thought she could. How does she do it? She keeps thinking that she can. She keeps telling herself that doing more is possible. Thank you, Mom, for this powerful perspective that undoubtably will help me in my future life.

4. Fourth, slowing down is good. Our fast-paced society uses words like ‘hustle’ and ‘multi-task’ to motivate and increase speed. But when we can’t hustle or multi-task as easily, does that mean life loses its impact? Nope. In fact, the impact is greater. When I’m with Mom, all the little things seem bigger. I recognize challenges more, but I also recognize the blessings that I might’ve otherwise taken for granted. Slowing down is a blessing to be grateful for. In Alaska I found myself grateful for things like alone time in an elevator, quiet time on a bench, and extra steps needed to go up a steep incline. Bonding happens best during the slow times.

5. Fifth, aging parents and grandparents create fun, unique memories that last. Silly memories with Mom in Alaska include things like spilling food on a shirt, getting hands stained purple on accident, having a car ticketed for finding a ‘closer spot,’ dipping her hands in the ocean off the side of a whale watching boat, and laughing in the middle of the night that we saw the Northern Lights even though we stayed at the car. These memories will stay with me forever. If I ever hear talk of the Northern Lights, I’ll think of that night with Mom.

6. Sixth, understand small things. Some small things, like aches and pains, don’t matter. But other small things, like a desired photo at the moose antler arch, free ice cream at night, and a road-side view of the tallest mountain in North America, do matter. The aches and pains are temporary and shouldn’t get the attention. The memories being made are forever, and, however small, need to be important.

7. Seventh, love is a choice that takes time to cultivate. Have I loved my mom since birth? Absolutely. Affection toward a mother is a very strong bond. But, being in love with Mom at any given moment is a choice. We both have to choose to love our time together in order to have a good time. We both sacrifice and do more so that we can spend quantity and quality time together, but it’s all worth it. We choose love again and again despite our different personality traits. My mom spends her days choosing to love people. These constant choices give everyone who knows her a feeling of importance.

The Best Mother’s Day Gift

Often when we think of mothers, we think of the young women enduring sleepless nights and work-filled days to keep her babies happy, healthy, and morally strong. Mothering changes over time in some ways, but not in all ways. There are still sleepless nights born out of concern for others or physical difficulties. And days are still filled with work. Just like when her children were young, an aging mother has to mentally muscle through hardships as she serves and loves the people around her. She lifts society as she did before, but now she is the second witness for the moral upbringing being taught by her children. And, sometimes that second witness is just what the world needs to understand the truths that really lead to happiness, health, and freedom.

This Mother’s Day season, remember that the gift your mother or grandmother has worked her whole life for is you. Your presence in her life is the greatest gift of all. It is the fuel behind her work and provides the strength to keep her going and influencing for good. Your presence in her life is the greatest gift you could give. Give time this year. Visit or call, and when you do, learn lessons from her. Ask for stories and make memories that will keep you both going during the hard times that will certainly be ahead.

Read Nicholeen’s best selling book “Roles, The Secret To Family, Business, & Social Success.”