Nicholeen – Worldwide Organization for Women

Toxic Barbies & The Great Happiness Debate

August 7, 2023 by Nicholeen

There are times when I do things I wouldn’t normally do just because I wouldn’t normally do it. It’s a kind of self-check to make sure that I’m still open-minded and hopeful, instead of resting in a bias. Allow me to give you some context into my life so that you can understand why it was unusual for me to attend the new Barbie movie. I teach parenting, child development, and relationship-strengthening practices, I also head the Worldwide Organization for Women [WOW]. The WOW organization has been dedicated to the empowerment of women, girls, and families since 1977. Our organization is an NGO with consultative status at the United Nations. It is with 46 years of experience that we express sorrow at the current toxic feminist, even Marxist, messaging that is targeting females and undermining a hopeful, happy future for women and girls. In my role of advocating for women and girls on a global scale, I analyze everything to determine the cause of the effects I see in the lives of those for whom I am advocating.

Don’t get me wrong, I played with Barbies when I was young and some of our favorite cartoons to watch together on a family movie night when my children were young were the Barbie productions. So, I was skeptical, but hopeful when my friend called me and asked, “Do you want to dress in pink and go see the new Barbie movie?”

I said, “Sure! Sounds crazy, like something we don’t do. I like it.”

My friend must have known what I would get out of the show (she likely looked it up ahead of time as usual), because she said to me, “Nicholeen, I have a feeling that you’ll end up writing an article about this one.”

I laughed off her assertion and we joked that I should have paid for the ticket with the business card if it was going to be a business expense. Then we settled into utter disappointment.

My kind of movie is more like the recent Sound of Freedom movie or classics like The Sound of Music. If a production is done well and doesn’t push untruths, I can usually find something to appreciate in it. However, my family does know me as a pretty harsh movie critic when analyzing for: morality, social grooming, and truth. My children were called the same day I saw the Barbie movie to hear my review. They were actually shocked that I’d gone to that movie in the first place. I kind of was too. 😉 There is a part of me that loves to know what people see, learn, and think with each social trend. The psychological aspect of a movie trend fascinates me.

In light of all the social buzz about the recent Barbie movie, I feel that some parents might appreciate deeper analysis of common themes found in the Barbie movie that can negatively script today’s children. In my view, the new Barbie movie is toxic. It is an obvious vehicle of the anti-woman movement.

Many parents worry about what their little girls think of themselves. They see the mixed messages targeted at girls and women which are confusing, disempowering and alarming at best. These ideas are most accurately described as toxic. To say nothing about the messaging that is targeting the identity of men and boys. The consensus of activists seems to be that the threat to global happiness is “toxic masculinity” and “patriarchy.” Where does this messaging leave the future of men and women? Is it even possible to raise children who honor women and men in a world that has adopted stereotypical views of men and women?

The New Barbie Movie

Ironically, the new Barbie movie put out by Mattel, a toy company, seems to be trying to address stereotypes because the main character of the movie is named Stereotypical Barbie. Unfortunately, Mattel completely missed the mark. If they were attempting to unify society by exposing stereotypes – they failed. If anything, they seem to have created a deeper stereotype divide that will inevitably create more social division and disharmony amongst the sexes as our children grow into adulthood.

Even though the Barbie movie was entertaining, funny, and creative in some places due to some slapstick, ignorant, toy humor, it was ultimately a toxic production, especially for our youth whose brains are not fully developed, and individuals who don’t understand world views and the great happiness debate. The Barbie movie promotes: many forms of entitlement, self-absorbed men and women, disunity, objectification of men and women, a disregard for character development, contention along with passivity (ironically), parental immaturity, disrespect for a creator or plan from a creator, manipulation, despising maternity and babies, rejection of men, scurrilous depictions of manhood highlighted by buffoonery, and, finally, Marxism.

In a recent discussion with a colleague of mine, he said that the Barbie movie “might be, if you think about it, exposing how absurd modern feminism is.” After some discussion, I saw his point of view but concluded, that most audiences, especially juvenile audiences, who don’t scrutinize messaging when looking for entertainment, would never look that deeply into the production to see it as a backward view of why modern feminism is so toxic. On the contrary, most people are heralding the Barbie movie as a great step toward putting men in their place and strengthening women. Clearly, the movie gives the message that women must be aggressive and dominant to find happiness.

The Great Happiness Debate

Happiness, its importance, and how to achieve it, has been part of the great debate of civilization since the beginning of time. Happiness means “the agreeable sensations which spring from the enjoyment of good.” [Webster’s 1828 Dictionary] In order to understand happiness, we must also understand the word good.

Good means “having moral qualities best adapted to its design and use, or the qualities which God’s law requires; virtuous; pious; religious; applied to persons, and opposed to bad, vitious, wicked, evil.” [Webster’s 1828 Dictionary] The word God is actually the root word of the word good. To be good essentially means God-like. In that context, happiness means having a sensation associated with being in alignment with God, likely a spiritual sensation.

Happiness does not mean the same thing as pleasure, even though throughout history people have asserted that pleasure is the greatest indicator of happiness. This miscommunication about happiness has repeatedly led selfish or naive people down paths of emptiness, corruption, and self-destruction.

Epicurus, a Greek philosopher born in 341 BC, turned the meaning of happiness on its head by detaching happiness from goodness and associating it only with pleasure in his best-known egotistical hedonistic philosophy. He philosophized that the only thing that is intrinsically valuable is one’s own pleasure.

Other philosophers and prophets refuted these false Epicurean claims. Jesus Christ showed with His entire ministry and act of Grace that pleasure has nothing to do with the purpose and meaning of life. His life showed that joy, which stems from a deep spiritual connection and alignment with goodness, is most attainable through giving up oneself to/for another.

Since happiness is directly connected to God, it’s no surprise that anti-god philosophers continually suggest that God destroys happiness, because their definition of happiness is nothing but pleasure. I’m always saddened for people who think pleasure is happiness, because in my experience, I’ve found that pleasure is fleeting and often manipulated or exploited. Pleasure is a weak substitute for the security that comes from joy and happiness.

Jean-Jaques Rousseau, a philosopher and one of the fathers of the French Revolution was raised without much parental attention because his mother died and his father was absent. He expanded on Epicurus’s philosophical conclusions about pleasure and happiness. He declared religion “tyrannical”, pleasure and personal choice “king”, “equality through entitlement”, society “the enemy of the individual”, and rejected taking personal responsibility if it inhibited personal pleasure. This led him to take all five of his children to an orphanage so that he could pursue his own personal pleasures.

In the Barbie movie happiness is portrayed as partaking in the following pleasures: “every night is a girls’ night”, disconnection between men and women, expensive clothes, looking good, doing what you want to do, living in a dream house, driving a dream car, wallowing in your emotions or projecting them on others, controlling others to get your way, winning social battles and activism, and apparently going to the gynecologist (that one is disturbing on many levels).

Spoiler About What Spoils the Barbie Movie

What’s so toxic about Barbie? To be honest, it’s not just the Barbies or the women in the movie who are toxic. The Kens and men are toxic too. All the men and women in the Barbie movie are stereotyped, even the woman and her daughter who represent the real world and the solution for the Barbieland problem. Every character has an absence of character and is advocating for an ideological/activistic agenda.

Barbie may be a movie that was intended to show how all sides, of the socially constructed ideological battle of the sexes, are selfish and ridiculous. But, that would mean that Barbie is a movie only for adults who understand world views, -isms, stereotypes, and social programming. I don’t think most movie-goers fall into that category. I know they don’t because every time I share my findings about movies, people say that they didn’t see many of the things I saw, or that they didn’t want to think about the things I saw during the movie when they saw them; they just wanted to “enjoy it.”

For those parents who are intentional in their responsibility to protect their children from the evils of the world, here is a list of what Barbie teaches movie-goers and what should definitely be discussed with children if your children see this movie.

The opening scene shows girls playing with baby dolls and pretending to be mothers and looking bored. Then they see a larger-than-life sex symbol, Barbie, and they smash their dolls’ heads in and kick them and strip their own clothes off. It was disturbing. Children and those seeking entertainment could interpret this scene as promoting the idea that motherhood and babies are bad.

While we are on babies, there was a pregnant Barbie that was shunned by the community and always referred to as “gross” or “disturbing.” She didn’t ever have a say in anything but was just kind of tucked away. Also, the mother heroine in the story seemed to feel like motherhood and womanhood was a burden and led to “darkness.” What kind of a selfish message is this?

Mature families know that it’s family sacrifice that leads to our greatest joys and our greatest sorrows. Giving ourselves to family takes work and subordination of self but is ultimately our source of purpose and true happiness. The only thing this woman/mother gave to anyone was rhetoric about all the hard things about being a woman.

Her little activist speech which was portrayed as the hero moment of the movie, about how awful womanhood is, was meant to sound like all of this happened to her because of men. The thoughts she shared weren’t thoughts that a man would generally give. I work with lots of families. I’ve noticed that most women put expectations on themselves because of perfectionism or because they are comparing themselves to other women. More times than not, it’s the men who are telling their wives to “relax and not put so much on themselves.” The whole premise of the inner dialog was false, and saying such a negative dialog would only promote entitlement, not healing.

This woman was celebrated for her “darkness” thoughts, specifically, thoughts of dying. Instead of healing through hope, the movie showed her healing through anger and entitlement. That isn’t how a soul heals. Why would we want to promote indulging in “darkness?” That doesn’t sound like it leads to purpose at all. Talk about disempowering women. Sure, we all have hard times and can get caught up in our own heads sometimes. But, those are times to recognize our ability to identify thought problems and patterns and choose to adjust our thinking or seek help. This woman just gave her poison away. She didn’t adjust herself at all. This is personally and socially problematic. This immature mother character was morally bent. Her character could lead mothers to be selfish, which leads children to feel detachment from mothers in order for mother to pursue her self-interest, or worse that children had to save mother from her problems (dysfunctional), and she would teach men that a woman’s emotions are sovereign. This thinking is toxic.

Objectification and vanity are a big part of the Barbie movie. Barbie has to go on her expedition in order to make her feet and thighs look better. She is very afraid of cellulite! The cost and coordination of outfits is an important humor piece that promotes materialism and vanity.

Women, in the real world and in Barbie world are portrayed as objects. They are what they do. They don’t have any value outside of what they do for an occupation. Motherhood is noticeably not an option for Barbie to be a powerful woman. They have to look good and be perfect. To liberate themselves they have to focus on what they do and what they want, and then they change their looks. The movie massively objectifies women.

The men are also objectified. There isn’t one man that is shown as intelligent, and they are just there to hang around Barbie so that she looks like she has it all. Of course, when Ken turns to patriarchy, the objectification swaps for a minute, but it’s all just an objectification battle in the end, that no one can win because they are all being objectified and exploited.

Emotions are shown in a confusing light. When Barbie is happy it is shown as false and bad and when she cries or gets angry, then she is seen as good or normal. This makes good seem bad and bad seem good. This would be very confusing to immature, emotional, young girls who have a hard time sorting through their emotional ups and downs. It’s a negative, emotionally weak and entitled message. This isn’t to say that sadness or anger are bad. But, promoting them leads people to seek unhappiness in order to see themselves as normal. This is false messaging and goes against inner recognition of our capacity to handle problems or to choose optimism.

Several characters in the movie make references to their genitals or lack of genitals as dolls. For example, Barbie doesn’t feel complete without a vagina. So, at the end, after a slightly blasphemous, confusing, and misleading conversation with her “creator,” she happily goes to the gynecologist. There is a disturbing moment when a middle school-aged girl tells Barbie that she doesn’t have anything to worry about at the gynecologist. Why would a middle school-aged girl know this or say this? What are we promoting here? Sexually active teens? And, why is Barbie going to the gynecologist if she has no interest in Ken or men? Is it because she intends to be sexually active? Is this the happy ending that Mattel is offering to young girls? Sexual grooming anyone?

We can’t have a movie about Ken and Barbie without some love, or can you? It used to be that Ken and Barbie were a couple. They went on dates and got married. I had a wedding dress for my Barbie and Ken had a suit. My Barbies always got married. But, in this movie Ken loves Barbie, but she doesn’t want him. So, maybe there is another guy she likes. Nope, she is all for herself. The movie promotes solo living and pushing away relationships.

Every movie that ends this way bothers me because it turns the purpose of humans and happiness upside down. Sure, not every romance in real life ends in marriage, but there is a reason that good stories end in marriage; why it’s the universal sign of a happy ending. Stories that are repeatedly copied, like Cinderella and the Jane Austin Romances are copied because people love the build-up to marriage: the happy ending.

In his book Manhood, Josh Hawley gives some great understanding of what marriage really means to society. Hawley says, “If a man wants to meet his purpose as a man, then he will have to give himself away to a woman and bind himself to her. He will have to sacrifice. He’ll have to acquire the character of a husband…Marriage was viewed as foundational to a good life. Today our epicurean age teaches a different message…it is a truth the one can only become one’s self by giving one’s self to another.”

Modern men have been trained in epicurean thought, and so live for pleasure. What does this do to women? It further objectifies and disrespects them. But, then society tells them that they are bad for wanting pleasure from women. This results in women feeling that men are objectifying them, even if, like Barbie, they are objectifying themselves, and then women retaliate by pushing men away and getting hostile. Epicurean women want their pleasure too, so they emotionally abuse the men. No one gives themselves to each other and they all lose. That is where we find ourselves and what the messages in the Barbie movie will lead to. Each person is just living for themselves. Epicureans would call this a successful culture. But, we see, even from Barbie, that this just creates an oppressor/victim culture. Happiness, if undone, fractures the family and a life of purpose: the foundation of real happiness.

Men and women gain great purpose through each other and through marriage. Hawely says, “In love we do the opposite from what Epicureans council. We surrender ourselves to love another. That is what men and women were meant for…To love and commit your life to another is to open your life to pain, hardship, and misunderstanding. Love means embracing the hard stuff too.” Marriage teaches us to endure life, instead of just looking for a scapegoat to blame for what is not perfect enough yet.

Yes, the men in the Barbie movie behave badly. The depiction of men is definitely exaggerated at best, but mostly stereotypical and falsified for effect. They aren’t behaving as good men. A good man is respectful to women and children. They provide for, protect, and preside over their home and family with gentleness and kindness. The bad behavior of these men seems to justify Barbie’s retaliation. However, Barbie was conceited toward Ken first. Even though in her conceit she seemed pleasant, where Ken was gruff in his retaliation. Barbie didn’t value Ken as a person. She was selfish and exploited him, just like he exploited her. No amount of manipulation will solve the exploitation of men and women in our culture. Only love can heal that problem.

Finally, the housing situation is concerning in Barbieland. I know they were being literal about the Barbie toy line. I guess Ken didn’t really have a toy house released for him. Probably because it was assumed that they’d live together. So, all the Kens in Barbieland are homeless. They really want a home, but the Barbies all have their own mansions and don’t want Kens in them. “Every night is a girls’ night” they say. When the Kens do their patriarchal takeover, they take over the houses. This is significant since they are homeless. It’s interesting to note that neither the Kens nor the Barbies really seem genuinely happy living alone. They do stuff each day, but it is obviously empty living.

Josh Hawley said about home, “The real feeling of home represents what the husband and the wife have built together in that place. In that place husband and wife, together, endure.” He explains that that is the reason why going to his grandparent’s house was always so special to his heart and why he wanted to have a home with a woman. There is a presence in a real home where people have sacrificed for each other that can’t be felt elsewhere; it’s a feeling of security and safety. Our children need to know that homes are better when we share them. The selfish messages in Barbie will lead to homelessness, even if people live in their own mansions.

Toxic Culture End Game

The sad news about the Barbie movie is that more and more people are embracing Mattel’s version of happiness; selfish loneliness focused on pleasure seeking. In contrast, focusing on family at your house, disengaging from the battle of the sexes, celebrating the magnificent order that the ideals of marriage and family bring to the world even if you are a single parent or have been wronged by the opposite sex, can give the rising generation a counter message to what Hollywood is peddling. Our children’s hearts and identities are under attack. We must discuss more with our children and proactively prepare them for the cultural ideological grooming that they are and will continue to encounter throughout their lives.

When the Barbie movie ended, I noticed that there wasn’t applause or even smiles. There was just silence in the theatre. I saw children holding Barbie dolls and parents silently stand up and walked out. The feeling was thick and awkward. It was as if I could hear parents thinking, “What do I do with this experience? Will they forget it? Will they even see what I saw? Was it so bad? Should I just focus on the funny stuff? Are men really that bad? Is that the way women should handle men who act that way? Why is this happening? Why is this the message given to our children?”

I felt bad for those parents. I don’t usually write such long articles, but this time I felt like I wanted to help those parents who left with their heads down and in silence. It’s okay that you felt awkward. It’s probably a sign that what you saw wasn’t true or shouldn’t be true. It’s okay to tell the real truth to your children. Please do. Please talk about it. Ask the questions above to them and discuss the themes.

The Bible says that there is always what is seen and what is not seen, “for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” [2 Corinthians 4:18 KJV] I believe this verse applies to movies too. Look deeper and talk about what is seen and what is not seen with your children. Discussing deeper is good parenting. These discussions with your children could potentially be liberating too. The last thing we need is a society of loveless, selfish, angry, pleasure-seeking people who don’t value anyone but themselves. We can teach our children to see more and be more; be family.

Improve conversation with your children by having regular mentor sessions.

UN Global Day of Parents Is June 1st! — Why?

May 31, 2023 by Nicholeen

Let’s Celebrate! June 1st, the Global Day of Parents, is dedicated to celebrating the impact that parents have on raising children. Not only is a parent required for the biological creation of a child, but parents are vital to the social, moral, emotional, and academic formation of the child as well. No influence is greater than that of parents on a child, even if the parent isn’t present in the child’s life. If a parent is missing, the child carries a scar and a longing to know their parent more and to bond with the unknown parent.

Parents give their children a sense of purpose, confidence, and well-being through the powerful force we call belonging/bonding. In the northern hemisphere, June means summer and family time. This is a great time, when children are home from school for the summer, to really put some deliberate effort into bonding with our children.

Go fishing, camping, and star-gazing. Create forts, gardens, clubhouses, summer businesses, and crafts. Invite discussion, tell stories, play games, learn new things, and make memories. Summer is the perfect time to fall in love with parenting again by looking forward to the adventures of each day with the children.

The global climate hinges on the dedication and condition of the heart of parents toward their children. When parents are ‘all in’ with their parenting, then their hearts open up more toward their children and they naturally teach the children the life lessons needed for confidence, safety, and purpose in life. This powerful impact of parents is worth some attention.

United Nations Says…

In 2012, a few years after the United Nations decided to focus on family issues, the UN created a resolution to have a Global Day of Parents (A/RES/66/292).

“Universal Declaration, Article 26-3.43 “Parents have a prior right to choose the kind of

education that shall be given to their children.” Children’s Summit, 18.74 “The family has the

primary responsibility for the nurturing and protection of children from infancy to

adolescence. The introduction of children to the culture, values, and norms of their society

begins in the family… Accordingly, all institutions of society should respect and support the

efforts of parents.”

Even though the United Nations doesn’t always stay within its boundaries globally, and even sometimes influences states in ways they shouldn’t, some of its plans and focuses are worth some merit. Global Day of Parents is focused on what really determines the success of nations and societies; parents.

Celebrate with me by attending a virtual Global Day of Parents event on June 1st at 1:00 pm EST. This event is sponsored by the Universal Peace Federation and the permanent mission of the Sultanate of Oman to the United Nations. I’ll be one of the three speakers.

May Is For Mothers

May 8, 2023 by Nicholeen

There is an attack on motherhood. However, May, the month of flowers, birds, and life, the month that reminds us of all that we are grateful for, brings our hearts back to the simple, yet powerful lessons of our mothers. Lessons of gratitude, strength, work, and love, that mothers teach, need to be honored. May, the time of light after the spring storms, is the perfect time to remember the light that mothers bring to our lives and our societies. So, this year, people all over the planet are using the hashtag #MayisforMothers as they post photos, videos, and notes of gratitude for the power of their mothers and being a mother.

Since the 1970s, motherhood and the fundamental role of mothers has been philosophically, and socially attacked. The social messaging about motherhood is that it’s a drudgery, considered undesirable, lesser than any paid vocation, and even a sign of oppression or a mental condition. For example, when I was pregnant with my fourth child, I heard some female college students talking. They concluded their discussion with this assumption: “a person who chooses to become a mother must be mentally disturbed.” Thankfully, despite the negativity surrounding motherhood as a chosen life path, people still choose to become mothers, they love being mothers, and are empowered by their chosen role as a mother.

The Power of Mothers

Why is motherhood under attack? Because it’s the most powerful social, spiritual, physical, psychological, biological, and political position a person could ever hold, and dedicated mothers who are “all in” know it. Mothers and grandmothers who don’t buy into the negative messaging about motherhood, but quietly accept the responsibility of raising the next generation of people to be good, honest, brave, hardworking, kind, loving, and true are given overwhelming proof of the power in honoring motherhood as they see the people that they’ve molded go against the negative cultural trends of the day. I like to think I’m one of those people. Thanks Mom!!!

When motherhood came under attack by the feminist culture of the 1970s, suddenly women all over the planet felt that it was time to bring the power of motherhood to the discussion table. Women flocked to the United Nations and social events to articulate the power of motherhood while other women tried to gain public platforms to tear down motherhood and dishonor the impact a good mother has on all of our lives. Those battles continue to be waged in the same social arenas. However, mothers aren’t fighting back, because they truly don’t have the time or the stomach for battles. This battle against motherhood that has been waging for quite some time has now become more intense. Mothers are now considered to be obstacles to get around for those who desire the power to capture the hearts and minds of the next generation of children.

The Greatest Threat

Currently, parents are presented in public forums as dangers to children. This idea then presents support for the assumption that children must be rescued from their parents. To gain perspective of what is happening, it is useful to look to the past. Historically, the act of stealing children or sacrificing children has been one way forces of evil have exercised dominion over families and nations. Think Hitler, Mao and the child sacrifice rituals to evil gods in ancient times. Parents, specifically mothers, were forced to give up their children for some perceived societal good or to a false god in order for the ruling powers to gain greater control over the hearts and minds of the people. To these rulers, children were considered materials, like money or animals, owned or transferred by adults for their purposes to control. If parents, specifically mothers, are continually marginalized, then who will protect the children and preserve their identities as valuable individuals? What will the future of society look like?

Mothers are the gate keepers for freedom, and virtue. They nurture these qualities in the hearts and minds of their children. If mothers stay close to their children and raise them well, then freedom and virtue, both in our society and in the lives of our children, can be maintained. A mother’s influence is too strong for a total societal takeover if she is allowed the power to maintain her place at the helm of society; raising her children. This is why motherhood, fertility, holy intimacy, family structure, identity, and the parent/child bonds are being attacked from every possible angle. All of the attacks are attempts to steal the hearts and minds of children from their mothers.

Mothers are the greatest threat to those who design and scheme for ways to control or change society. Mothers, who hold the heart strings of all of her children and teach them who to trust and not trust, who to listen to or not, are the big stumbling block for the dark enemies of the family.

Love Over Money

Motherhood is an unpaid position. That is precisely what gives it such power. A woman mothers her children because she wants to, not because she is getting paid. Payment to mothers would cheapen their role as a mother. And, even though people have tried to pay mothers off for their children and “service”, most women will not sell the hearts and minds of their children for money. Motherhood isn’t about gain. She doesn’t mother for herself directly, even though there are obvious indirect benefits to motherhood. Mothers do what they do because of love. Money is never going to be more valuable than love. Love is too strong. It’s that strength that gives mother such great power; a power that threatens would-be power-seekers and can’t be taken or fabricated.

In a time when motherhood is more important and more attacked than ever, it’s time for a new motherhood movement. Women from around the world held a summit about this issue recently and determined that May is for mothers (#MayisforMothers.) No matter where we all are in the world, let’s post all the great things about mothers and grandmothers. Without mothers and grandmothers, we wouldn’t be who we have become. Let’s share stories of power and purpose and the impact for good that come from mothers. Motherhood is under attack because it’s powerful all by itself. Motherhood doesn’t have to fight back. A virtuous mother is moving the needle toward greater goodness just by doing what she does and as a nurturer and example of love to her children and grandchildren. There is nothing more powerful than a mother who knows how much power she has!

Spread the word that #MayisforMothers

And, if you or your organization is interested in being part of the next Woman Watch Network Summit, please contact here for information with the subject Woman Watch Network.

Today’s Complexity Demands More Simplicity

April 7, 2023March 30, 2023 by Nicholeen

“It’s harder for children nowadays with all of the technology and temptations and bad examples”, a mother said to me at a recent conference where I was speaking. We talked for a moment about the differences between her childhood and the childhood of her children. She was concerned. She felt lost and confused about what she should do to help them navigate these unfamiliar challenges. Then she said, “The complexities of today must require more complex solutions.”

I understood her concerns , and why she would assume complex problems require complex solutions; however, I knew her assumption was incorrect. One thing I’ve learned in all the years of raising my four children and doing therapeutic treatment care for the many foster children who came to stay with us, is modern complexities demand simple solutions.

Finding Simple Solutions Through Principles

When the BBC asked me to be on their program, The World’s Strictest Parents, in 2009, they took some time before the beginning of the program to tell me about all the issues with which the two 17-year-old teens were struggling. It was clear to me the producers were hoping to foster some stress or worry in me. But I wasn’t concerned. For many years, I’d taken in some of the most difficult youth the state had to offer. I had seen behaviors I didn’t even know existed. I knew there wasn’t much I hadn’t seen. I knew no matter what behaviors these two new youth would use to try to gain control or cause trouble, the solution was always the same – appeal to my principles.

In order to create a firm and loving home where the spirit of love could reside, despite the issues children in our home were facing, we had to rely heavily upon the following principles: honesty, calmness, patience, trust, acceptance, love, work, play, compassion, mercy, justice, loyalty, unity, understanding, open-communication, roles, health, timing, time, identity, trust, priorities, teaching, planning, correcting, praising, problem solving, leadership, emotional intelligence, emotional strength, and self-government.

To accomplish the task of living by my principles, which is much harder than simply identifying them, I had to create a system. A system would support the entire family as we navigated problems. Our system included pre-teaching the family certain principle-based skills, such as: how to follow instructions, how to be calm, how to accept disappointment and “no” answers, how to accept corrections, and how to disagree appropriately. We also taught the children all the parenting skills for correcting and teaching so our parenting would follow another principle – predictability.

The following are a few of the simple solutions I created for our family using principles.

Love — Look into their eyes every time I talk to them and think “I love you” while talking.
Unity — Have regular meetings as a family to discuss our family relationships and solving family problems. Families also need more time together playing and working to have more unity.
Justice — Consistently pre-teach, correct, and praise the children so they are held accountable and have more success. They need to have the opportunity to earn negative and positive consequences.
Work — Work as a family each day, as well as, have the opportunity to do individual work daily.
Trust — Give instructions, but don’t micro-manage. If they don’t follow through, just do a calm correction.
Calmness — Make my own calm plan to use if I find myself not feeling calm, and help my children do the same.
Self-Government — Teach my children cause and effect and how to self-assess and self-correct. This will empower them. This also requires calm teaching.

Principles Make Problem Solving Simple

Modern technologies, with all their conveniences, make parenting and boundaries seem more difficult and may even lead parents to assume they need to get creative in their parenting to handle misuse, addictions, or safety issues. But creativity can be complex and isn’t required. Simplicity and principles are best.

For example: To solve misuse of or addiction to technology remember the principle – roles. What is the role of a child? A child is a learner. This means the child is always learning. What is the role of parent? A parent is a teacher. Everything they do or endorse is encouraging a lesson of some sort. What is the role of a device? It is supposed to be a tool. Once the roles are established the parent can ask themselves, “Is my child using the tool as a tool or as a toy?” and “Is the device teaching my child the things they ought to be learning?” Finally, “As a teacher, should I be endorsing this teaching device and the lessons being learned?” If the answer is no, then the parent must consult another principle – time. “Is this the right time of life for my child to use this tool?” or “How much time is appropriate for device usage if my child is to live a healthy life?” After answering these questions, the parent can feel confident creating boundaries or giving “no” answers about devices.

What about all the attitude problems and emotional walls children are creating in their relationships with their parents? Those may also seem like they need intricate interventions. They don’t. Principles have always worked at solving problems because they are eternal and broadly applicable. Again, the solution is the simple connection and application of principles.

To solve relationship problems, a parent can consider the principles of time, patience, priorities, open communication, trust, roles, honesty, and deliberate planning. Let me explain how I correct relationship problems. First, I would have what I call a parent counseling session with the child. We would talk about what we want our relationship to be like. I would then describe the problem I see with the relationship. Next, we would plan how we will spend more time together to have more open talks while also counseling together about being patient as we get used to the relationship changing. We might also discuss how to course correct if we see our relationship suffering again in the future. Finally, as a parent, I consistently follow through with course corrections and keep the open dialog going. Relying on principles makes it simple.

In 2014, L. Tom Perry said, “Today’s complexity demands more simplicity”. Then, he shared a life lesson from his grandfather that taught him a principle for life. The oldest books and the wisest people teach principles. Historically, those are the sources we have always gone to for answers to our problems. Nowadays the answer to problems is the same. Match your practices with your principles and the solutions become simple, even though the problems are different.

Find Nicholeen’s principle-based parenting skills at https://teachingselfgovernment.com/

Positive Online Posting Makes A Difference!

April 7, 2023March 14, 2023 by Nicholeen

Sometimes it’s nice to find out that something we’re doing is really working to bring about good
things. Positive online posting makes a big difference in our world, even if it doesn’t always
seem like there is time to do it.

This week a parent, who attends my weekly digital parenting support group, wanted advice for
how to balance the craziness of life. She concluded her questions, about her scheduling
conundrum, by saying, “One other issue is that I keep feeling that I need to start a blog/YouTube
channel to share the messages that God has put in my heart. My main mission is to care for my
family and raise my son up, but I keep sensing this inward push to reach other people…”
At first glance, a person may think that this mother needs to drop the idea of positively impacting
the world with a blog or channel because she has enough to do as a mom. I believe in priorities,
and that children and family should always top the list of priorities. And, this mother wants to use
this project to align with her priorities by inspiring people to love family, God, and parenting as
much as she does. She is feeling a call to do something, really wants to do it, and isn’t sure that
she can fit it in, but the important thing is that it is a call. She doesn’t want fame or power, but
she wants to do what God is impressing her to do. This project seems less like a hobby and
more like a purpose to me since God is making the call.

The Coordinated Effort

This week, at the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women [CSW] conference, I
attended an event designed to be a strategy session to coordinate efforts against religious and
family groups. Since I lead a group that advocates for religious freedom and families, I was
interested to listen in. The panel of speakers mentioned that the religious and family advocates
are “very coordinated” and seem to be “dominating social media with misinformation and fear-
mongering.”

They began by honoring people in the room for being approved editors for wiki information,
search platforms that allow public editors, and then called for the importance of seeing religion
through a new social lens that they called, “a bio-diversity lens.” The panel’s enemies, who are
the “very coordinated, religious, anti-rights activists”, were made to sound covert when they
said, “They have a great understanding of social issues and how to instill fears.”

Ultimately, the calls to action were to get tech companies on their side by using Artificial
Intelligence and data collection measures to steer messaging and control outcomes, get more
funding, become coordinated, and to work on “reclaiming religious interpretation.” I think that my
biggest takeaway was that they were reading the coordination situation completely wrong.

The Real Coordination

During this meeting, my colleagues and I were amazed that we were getting credit for
something that we were definitely not doing. Someone else was coordinating efforts to cause
this much frustration. Not us.

After the meeting, a woman told me that God had been impressing her to do something to
strengthen and uplift mothers online. Then, some hours later, I read the question above from the other mother on my support group. These two women of different faiths were both feeling
impressed by God to give strength and uplift to mothers and families online. No person
coordinated it. God did. It suddenly hit me, that God is working his miracles to help families and
parents through many people online.

Simple posts about optimistic, real life principles, truths, experiences, and families are causing
anti-family, anti-religious groups to fear that they are losing ground. They are scrambling for
control as they try to get their people to coordinate and take action to stop all the good
messages happening online. The messages that are giving people hope or telling precious
truths that uplift, inspire or expose concerns.

Power In Numbers

There really is power in numbers of inspired people who want goodness. Hopper, the villain
grasshopper, from the movie A Bug’s Life taught this valuable lesson about the impact of one
good ant with these words, “One ant? You let one ant stand up to us, then they all might stand
up! Those puny little ants outnumber us a hundred to one and if they ever figure that out there
goes our way of life! It’s not about food, it’s about keeping those ants in line.”

So, what if we all just post something good each week? Don’t worry about the people who say
that it’s offensive to talk about how happy you are about your children or your faith. Those
people aren’t ready for the message yet. However, each person with an open heart who is
looking for more out of life or just some refreshing truth, who reads your message or sees your
photo or reel will stand up a little taller for one day and might even share that love and light with
someone else.

I know life’s busy. We all feel that we need more time. However, when the whole world could
change and evil could get turned on its head by a little bit of goodness and truth, it’s worth a little
bit of time. A self-governed approach to social media posting might be best for the truly time
challenged. Just schedule it. Tell yourself that you have 15 minutes before lunch on Tuesday to
make a post. Stick to the task so that you can justify the time. Add all those hearts and thumbs
another time. You’ll be in and out with a quick post, and the world war for our hearts, beliefs,
families, and souls finds more peace and truth with you in it.

Apparently, according to the recent meeting I attended at the United Nations, it really is that
simple. Positive online posting makes a big difference! Thank you all for taking the time to be
part of such an inspired coordinated effort for good!

Improve positivity in your heart and home by attending the next Parenting Mastery Training.

WOW Africa Future Initiative Programs

April 7, 2023November 20, 2022 by Nicholeen

WOW Africa women in Anambra state are investing in the future of the next generation by hosting programs to prepare youth for better futures.

WOW Africa was asked by local schools to give a message of hope and purpose to boys and girls.

WOW Africa leadership sees the wisdom in putting their focus on the youth to prepare them to pave a better way forward for their society.

WOW Africa has a history of working with community leaders to improve health care, education, helping those with disabilities and helping widows and women financially. Their future initiative is just another step forward for creating positive change for Nigeria.

WOW Africa Leadership Program

April 7, 2023September 7, 2022 by Nicholeen

The women of WOW Africa Nigeria in Anambra state are making waves as they train the next generation of young people to be leaders. WOW Africa knows that to create a better future for Nigerian woman the men must be educated too.

WOW has provided principled leadership materials and training to youth in Nigeria and the results have been warmly accepted.

School leaders and parents have praised WOW Africa’s Leadership Training as some of the best they’ve seen. And, they can’t wait to get more youth there again next year.

Here are some photos of their latest event.

WOW Africa Radio Speaker Series About Trafficking

April 7, 2023July 7, 2022 by Nicholeen

WOW takes a hard stance against child trafficking!

WOW Africa has been doing a great job highlighting the trafficking problem in Nigeria and effectively educating the population about what to watch for as well as how to keep women and children safe from traffickers.

Being Your Child’s Safe Place

April 7, 2023July 7, 2022 by Nicholeen

It’s currently commonplace to see youth aggressively confronting adults when, not too long ago, that behavior would never have been condoned. And, sadly this aggressive behavior is being misinterpreted as behavior necessary for the emotional safety of the child. If parents want to be the ‘safe place’ for their child, then it’s vital that they don’t lose sight of their irreplaceable roles as teachers and guides to their child in the face of day-to-day childhood emotional entitlement.

I once witnessed a 14-year-old child yelling at her mother because her mother said she didn’t feel good about her going to a friend’s house. The yelling behavior instantly changed the focus for the mother. The mother was triggered by her child’s emotion to provide emotional safety for her child, so she allowed the yelling behavior. This led to the mother agreeing with the child and saying nothing about the disrespectful behavior. After the outburst the mother said, “You can go. Come give me a hug.” The two hugged and the child went to the friend’s house. Sadly, this story ends in the child getting into a car accident caused by her friend’s mother driving intoxicated.

Even though the intoxicated mother actually crashed the car, the mother of the 14-year-old, who allowed her to go, is also to blame; maybe even more so. That mother knew the child shouldn’t go to the friend’s house but allowed the emotions of her child to be more important than the guidance the child needed and the gut feeling she had. The mother interpreted her daughter’s emotional outburst as her daughter needing to feel safe. So, the mother assumed that her “no” answer had made her daughter feel unsafe.

Fast forward a few years and this mother/daughter relationship is not healthy. The mother is constantly trying to placate to her daughter’s ever-escalating emotions, and the daughter is unhappy and emotionally disconnected from her mother. Passively allowing her daughter to regularly yell at her has hurt their relationship and disconnected the healthy parent/child bond that should exist.

The Untruth About Feeling ‘Safe’

Many children and parents have been convinced that “feeling safe” means having everything go your way and according to your comfort level. But, in reality, that is the most unsafe position a person could ever be in. When will a person ever be able to control every other person or feeling of discomfort around them? Never, especially if everyone else is attempting to emotionally control every other person around them for their own safe feeling, too. The only way for children to feel truly safe is to be prepared for “no” answers, upsets, doing hard things, and honoring parents who aren’t afraid to guide their children, even if it requires correcting the child’s behavior.

When the words “child” and “safe” are put in the same sentence, parent ears automatically perk up. What parent isn’t concerned about their child’s safety? Looking out for the safety of our children is hardwired into us the moment we see them so tiny and helpless as infants. They literally rely upon us for everything, and we know that they won’t be able to have full autonomy until they’ve gone through proper development. Yet, today, the healthy development of children is under attack by untruths that use words like “child” and “safe.” Confused parents who hope for the safety of their children are being misguided and are creating entitlement problems for their children by facilitating yelling matches with their children.

Saying Nothing Is The Wrong Message

A mother named Christa recently wrote to me with the following question, “I am curious what your thoughts are on the popular notion, ‘Well your child acts out with you because you are their safe place.’ And then person A goes on to encourage person B to just keep doing what they’re doing as a parent. This is not an experience I’ve personally had, but I hear this between other moms a lot and it just doesn’t entirely set right with me.”

There is a reason this statement doesn’t sit right with Christa. It’s an untruth. To suggest that a parent should turn over their parental role to a feeling that a child is having is wrong. To teach a child that they must give into their emotions is to lead them toward emotional bondage for life. Parents who say nothing or do nothing about disrespectful, emotionally entitled behavior in their children are actually giving the message to their children that their aggressive behavior is healthy and effective for solving problems and that family roles are irrelevant.

Why do parents not allow their children to watch certain movies, play certain games, or be on certain apps or websites? Because they can’t condone some behaviors or ideas promoted by those sources. Parents seem to intrinsically know that if they allow their child to see something and don’t say anything about it or stop it, then they are showing approval of what the child has just seen or heard. Saying nothing shows approval.

Principles are broadly applicable. If a parent’s silence during an inappropriate movie shows acceptance of the behavior in the movie, then it is also true that if a parent is silent when a child is rude, mean, misbehaves, or states untruths that the parent is showing approval of that type of behavior or thinking.

If parents don’t teach their children to get calm and respect them, then the child learns two kinds of entitlement, emotional entitlement and relationship entitlement. It also teaches children to be controlling of others instead of teaching them to have self-control.

Parents Can Become Real Safe Places

It is true that a person who is attempting to micro-manage their environment or who is emotionally unloading on another person likely has anxiety at the moment. Anxious or worried feelings can make a person feel vulnerable. This vulnerability can be interpreted as a feeling of not being safe. It is also true that some people don’t express themselves or attempt to solve their problems if they don’t feel comfortable talking to someone about the problem they are attempting to solve. These two observances could be leading parents to believe that if a child yells at them or mistreats them, that the child is doing something healthy and displaying a feeling of safety.

However, another truth about this aggressive behavior directed at parents is that children who create a habit of emotionally dumping on their parents develop unhealthy social boundaries and bonds, unhealthy entitlement issues, lack of respect for parents, and inability to successfully, calmly solve their problems. While yelling at a parent is one way to get a point across, it is not the most effective way to get a point across. Parents who raise the communication bar for their children by teaching them the calm communication skills they need to really be understood and maintain bonds at the same time, ultimately give their children much more understanding and safety for the long run.

The following four actions are useful at becoming your child’s real safe place: have regular open talks with you child, teach your child how to recognize and choose calmness, teach your child the communication skills that they will need to solve problems, and consistently and lovingly help your child course correct when they are going off course.

Teach the child how to talk to you by having regular talks. Children should feel that communication with parents is always welcome. If the child has established a habit of talking and planning with their parents through regular family meetings and talk times, then the child will see having a healthy conversation as a viable option for solving a problem or getting understood.

Teach the child about calmness. Calmness is taught through example and training. Children can learn what calmness is and isn’t and how to recognize calm feelings and behavior in themselves. To teach this principle, parents can deliberately teach calmness to their children, discuss behavior that they see around them, and help their children develop a calm plan for when they are needing to increase calmness.

Communication skills are learned environmentally. Communication methods shown to children, whether healthy or unhealthy, will be seen as the communication standard for the child throughout life. Wise parents create environments where children learn how to accept the “no” answers of life and how to disagree appropriately with others, as well as other vital self-government skills that can help the child be understood throughout life.

As guides and teachers for children, parents express love by pointing out when a child is not on a healthy course and what they need to do to course correct. Parents, more than any other influence in a child’s life, are the ones who have the authority and the obligation to correct their children. When parents consistently and lovingly correct their children, then the children learn that correction is part of life and is healthy to embrace. When children accept correction from parents, this frees them to self-correct. If they don’t get the opportunity to accept correction from parents, then they lose identity and power. Parents who live their identity instill proper identity to their children. And, children who know that they can correct themselves are more motivated to make positive changes in their lives instead of making excuses, not accepting responsibility for their actions, or getting emotionally blocked as people who don’t accept correction do.

Being the safe place for your child is vital for the child’s future security, maturity, and problem-solving success. It requires the parent to take an active, not passive, role in instructing their child and opening communication instead of taking an emotional beating from their child. Christa is right. Allowing a child to yell at their parent just doesn’t feel right. And, coupling yelling, which is obviously not an emotionally safe action, with the word ‘safe’ seems ironic. Calmness and good communication are clearly safer communication alternatives.

Start calm parenting for free with Nicholeen’s free Calm Parenting Toolkit.