Gender

Even though my mom and I differ in activity level and even in personality traits, that doesn’t stop me from being grateful for the many lessons that she unknowingly teaches me. Maybe I appreciate the lessons learned from Mom because I’m looking for them. It could certainly be possible to miss these lessons if a person were not looking for them. However, when we deliberately search for teaching from our parents, no matter how old we are or they are, there are always lessons that can be learned. Here are just seven of the lessons aging parents teach their families.

1. First, identity is born in the family setting. Aging parents, especially mothers, give their children increased identity. Mothers usually hold the heartstrings of their children and family members for life due to the nurturing role they’ve had in everyone’s existence. This forever tie to mother gives a child a sense of security as they go through life. Obviously, if the bond is not correct, this could also be detrimental to the child throughout life.

Aging parents, like my mom, are known for telling stories from days gone by. That is one of the best things they could do. I know some older people think that the younger generation will be bored with their stories, but that isn’t true. Stories from the past are always relevant to the identity of the next generation, even if they seem boring or not impressive. Stories about the past give us understanding about who we have become and why, and they remind us that the people we are talking to have had a profound life journey, just like we’re having.

Stories don’t just give us context for our lives, but they also give us vision of who we want to become. Aging parents show their posterity who they want to become. Even if the parent isn’t perfect, they still give their families inspiration to move in a productive direction.

2. Second, when life starts moving slower, priorities are much more obvious. The older generation offers the younger generation a view of what’s really important. When career and thrill seeking are no longer the top time takers in a person’s life, then what priorities come into view? Family, people, God, and condition of heart all seem to top the priority list of the aging person. Suddenly, time with family becomes the most important part of their lives. That is a great reminder to a busy father or young mother. Family time is actually the most fulfilling time of all.

3. Third, aging parents get the opportunity to empower the next generation by being an example of strength during adversity. When the body starts slowing down and even falling apart in some cases, this can seem like a burden or something to be afraid of to a young person. But, an older person that goes through that stage of life with confidence and courage destroys that fear and offers powerful perspective of the inner strength that never leaves us, no matter what is happening on the outside. When I’m with Mom, I see her do more each day than she thought she could. How does she do it? She keeps thinking that she can. She keeps telling herself that doing more is possible. Thank you, Mom, for this powerful perspective that undoubtably will help me in my future life.

4. Fourth, slowing down is good. Our fast-paced society uses words like ‘hustle’ and ‘multi-task’ to motivate and increase speed. But when we can’t hustle or multi-task as easily, does that mean life loses its impact? Nope. In fact, the impact is greater. When I’m with Mom, all the little things seem bigger. I recognize challenges more, but I also recognize the blessings that I might’ve otherwise taken for granted. Slowing down is a blessing to be grateful for. In Alaska I found myself grateful for things like alone time in an elevator, quiet time on a bench, and extra steps needed to go up a steep incline. Bonding happens best during the slow times.

5. Fifth, aging parents and grandparents create fun, unique memories that last. Silly memories with Mom in Alaska include things like spilling food on a shirt, getting hands stained purple on accident, having a car ticketed for finding a ‘closer spot,’ dipping her hands in the ocean off the side of a whale watching boat, and laughing in the middle of the night that we saw the Northern Lights even though we stayed at the car. These memories will stay with me forever. If I ever hear talk of the Northern Lights, I’ll think of that night with Mom.

6. Sixth, understand small things. Some small things, like aches and pains, don’t matter. But other small things, like a desired photo at the moose antler arch, free ice cream at night, and a road-side view of the tallest mountain in North America, do matter. The aches and pains are temporary and shouldn’t get the attention. The memories being made are forever, and, however small, need to be important.

7. Seventh, love is a choice that takes time to cultivate. Have I loved my mom since birth? Absolutely. Affection toward a mother is a very strong bond. But, being in love with Mom at any given moment is a choice. We both have to choose to love our time together in order to have a good time. We both sacrifice and do more so that we can spend quantity and quality time together, but it’s all worth it. We choose love again and again despite our different personality traits. My mom spends her days choosing to love people. These constant choices give everyone who knows her a feeling of importance.

The Best Mother’s Day Gift

Often when we think of mothers, we think of the young women enduring sleepless nights and work-filled days to keep her babies happy, healthy, and morally strong. Mothering changes over time in some ways, but not in all ways. There are still sleepless nights born out of concern for others or physical difficulties. And days are still filled with work. Just like when her children were young, an aging mother has to mentally muscle through hardships as she serves and loves the people around her. She lifts society as she did before, but now she is the second witness for the moral upbringing being taught by her children. And, sometimes that second witness is just what the world needs to understand the truths that really lead to happiness, health, and freedom.

This Mother’s Day season, remember that the gift your mother or grandmother has worked her whole life for is you. Your presence in her life is the greatest gift of all. It is the fuel behind her work and provides the strength to keep her going and influencing for good. Your presence in her life is the greatest gift you could give. Give time this year. Visit or call, and when you do, learn lessons from her. Ask for stories and make memories that will keep you both going during the hard times that will certainly be ahead.

Read Nicholeen’s best selling book “Roles, The Secret To Family, Business, & Social Success.”

My views have changed. During my teen and young adult years, I thought that women needed to do everything men did, and women did, in order to be strong. But, now that I have seen every dimension of womanhood firsthand, I see that my views of women and myself lacked depth and understanding when I was young, and I was heavily influenced by socially-promoted assumptions. I was easily influenced by social conversations that put people into limiting boxes. Luckily time, example, and experience are great teachers of truth, and I was never one to allow someone else to put me in a box, stereotypical or otherwise.

Recently released movies and books are often portraying women as aggressors and uncaring in order to show female strength. Yet, every child knows that nowhere feels as safe as being in the protective embrace of their mommy. So, who is really stronger, a female super hero or a nurturing mother or grandmother? Who really overcomes the most intense hardships and has the greatest social influence? And, is it bad or good to be a girl who throws punches? How are our daughters doing at navigating our confusing social messages about what makes a strong woman?

A short time ago, I was visiting a university campus and saw a young woman with a shirt that said, “Be Rude.” This message was clearly meant to sound strong, but when I saw it, I didn’t see strength. I saw a woman who was giving up one of her greatest strengths, the strength that literally changes the world, the power to nurture others through kindness.

Raising daughters who embrace their full womanhood and nurturing power in a world of voices that limit women to extrinsic pursuits like popularity, fortune, and sex appeal can be difficult. However, parents can help their daughters safely navigate all the conflicting messages by focusing on the following four lessons.

5 Lessons To Teach

Fortunately, I was raised to be a hard worker and to not be afraid of getting my hands dirty. I played sports, danced, accessorized, mowed lawns, and chopped wood. I was just as likely to play basketball competitively with my dates as I was likely to teach them to tie a quilt. In fact, on a couple of occasions I got black eyes from basketball dating accidents.

Lesson 1 —Talents are varied between the sexes, and girls can try all the activities, including domestic ones.

True to the legacy of strong women in my family tree, my parents raised me to be strong in all ways. I was taught about the social, physical, intellectual, familial, and spiritual influence women have, and the ability they have to direct relationships, social circles, business outcomes, and global ideas.

Lesson 2 —Women need to keep a long view vision of what they want to create. Women often set the tone for society because of their ability to influence others. Men and children often follow cues from women. Teach your daughters the truth about their influence and that they will change lives and the world, whether they want to or not. So, they might as well plan for what they want the people around them to turn out like so that they can be more focused on their pursuits.

The other day I heard a great man talk about his recently departed wife. This man had received some of the greatest honors and status that his religious and business communities could give him. While speaking of these honors, he gave all the glory to his wife. With a humble heart he said that he hoped she could see from beyond the grave what he had become because of her influence, leadership, and work ethic. Their mutual service to and acceptance of each other had simultaneously lifted both of them up. They didn’t compete with each other or engage in the battle of the sexes, which always divides and creates discontentment in relationships. Instead, they each did what they were best suited to do and nurtured and appreciated each other and their differences all along the way.

Lesson 3 — Don’t teach girls to see boys as “the competition” or engage in the battle of the sexes. These battles create a pattern for selfishness in relationships. Teach them instead to lift and lead (which sometimes means follow) with love and understanding, even if they are competing in some event and working hard for a win.

Lesson 4 — Love motherhood! Motherhood is the most womanly act a woman ever engages in. Treat motherhood with the greatest respect. If you are the mother, learn to love what you are doing to serve your family. Complaining creates confusion and can give the impression that being a mother or woman isn’t wonderful or powerful. Don’t engage in seeking negative attention by whining or complaining. Celebrate all the good moments, and plan to be grateful for your power to literally script the life of another person. And if you aren’t a mother, talk respectfully of mothers so that girls learn to love who they are and will likely become.

My mother regularly told me that what she wanted more than anything in life was to be a mother to her children. She made diligent efforts to be happy and fun and make wonderful memories for me and my siblings. In fact, as a grandmother, she hasn’t stopped cooking up inspiring memories yet!

Additionally, my mother told me stories of her favorite memories with her mother and grandmothers. I saw and felt firsthand how their influences formed her into the person she was in my life. Tell stories of the power of mothers and women in your family tree or inspiring women in your life. Your love that is felt during those stories will show your daughters that womanhood truly does change lives.

Lesson 5 —Teach good communication and relationship-building skills. Women have an amazing ability to unify and motivate or to fracture relationships and create war. So, when we teach our daughters to calmly share differences of opinion by disagreeing appropriately with others, and how to openly and kindly solve problems as a family, then we are laying a foundation for future home, career, and social happiness.

My Views Have Changed

I used to think that I had to be more masculine, more rough, more uncaring, more like the many heroic women portrayed in the media today. That one-dimensional view of women and power is laughable to me now. A woman is so much more. Women hold society and families together by opening their hearts and taking people into it. Women can cause social ills or solve them simply by pointing their attention in a certain direction. Mothers and grandmothers are the hearts and hearthstones of society. They keep the people moral, or not, and are a constant reminder that sacrifice and love are stronger than any bully.

Let us raise our daughters into strong women in a different way so that they can find more confidence and power in their womanhood, instead of always feeling that they are not good enough because they are a woman. Those lies, sadly often perpetuated by other women, only hurt our daughters. They need the truth about womanhood, that all women really do change the world.

Join Nicholeen for her next Teaching Self-Government Intensive Training. Details here.

Sick, horrified, disgusted, and worried are just some of the words that describe how I felt when an innocent search through the student portal of the Utah Online Library database pulled up graphic porn in a resource that was supposed to be for children about daddies. The resource said that daddies were adult men who engage in sexual relationships with children of either sex. My stomach churned as I wondered, “How are people allowing the destruction of the destiny of real daddies and the abuse of children like this?” I refuse to use such an endearing term as “daddy” to describe pedophiles on websites that exploit children. Daddies have great destinies that impact us all. 

Destiny means, “State or condition appointed or predetermined; ultimate fate.” (Webster’s 1828 Dictionary) What is the destiny of a daddy? A daddy’s destiny is to provide for his family and protect them. That may sound too simplistic, or like something mommy could do too, but she can’t; at least not like a good daddy does it. I’m not endorsing stereotypes. Anyone can mow a lawn or cook a meal. Roles/destinies are so much more than task lists. 

The primary role and destiny of mother is to nurture. This may seem insignificant to some women, but her role is so significant that she’s irreplaceable. Mothers weave the moral fabric for society and lead each of us toward purposeful living through skill and heart training. Or, they don’t. Either way, they’re nurturing us all. Where do we end up without rock solid nurturing in our lives? The destiny of mothers is important, but often grossly under-appreciated, even by women themselves. What many mommies might not realize is that, without daddies, their destinies of nurturing their children’s hearts is not as effective. The destinies of mommies and daddies are intertwined. 

What does it really mean to provide and protect? I recently  spoke with a father who cares for the children at home while his wife makes the money for the family. He said, “I’ve come to understand that providing for my children doesn’t necessarily mean making money.” He’s right. And protecting the family doesn’t necessarily mean having big muscles and using weapons to stop bad guys either, even though historically daddies usually are the best prepared to fight off bad guys because they often learn about weapons and have big muscles. 

To provide means to do work or plan ahead of time for a future need. When I plant seeds in my garden, I’m providing for future nourishment needs. When I read books, I’m providing for the future teaching of my children. What does a daddy provide? What is more attractive than looks or money to a mommy? Security. When a daddy, who is usually the biggest and strongest, says something will be okay, everyone believes him. Daddies don’t allow themselves to worry too much. They keep pushing forward with faith that they can conquer the next hardship. This mental preparation makes them great leaders. Daddies also provide by preparing their hearts and characters to sacrifice, learn, have duty, be reverent and humble, show love and understanding, teach truth, impart wisdom, work hard, be loyal, be honest, and so much more. Yes, there is something about a strong man providing/preparing themselves to give their all for their families that no one else can ever adequately substitute for. The security from a really good daddy is felt for generations. 

To protect is “to cover,” or to put himself between the family and the threats against the family. There are many ways daddies can choose to do this. How does a daddy cover his family from these threats? 

1. Social, Political, or Familial war –  By making home a moral, peaceful, and strong place.

2. Sin – By eradicating sin within himself, seeking spiritual strength, and praying over his family regularly.

3. Famine or hardship –  He teaches the family, by example, the life skills and adaptability needed to live providently and wisely so that future needs can easily be met.

4. Manipulation and broken family bonds –  By taking the time to master his tongue, soften his impulses, and seek to understand his family members, he gently leads them toward peace. 

This list is just a beginning of how protector-daddies cover us. 

Since the destinies of mothers and fathers are intertwined, mommies also have an important part to play in protecting the family. If daddy is providing/preparing himself the way he should, then mommy trusts daddy, and allows him to cover the family. A man who masters himself earns the trust and respect of his wife. She endorses and appreciates daddy’s protection so that he knows his protection has been done right and is accepted. This moral influence upon daddy’s destiny, the destiny of herself, and the destiny of her children, is how mommy nurtures. And, daddy protects mommy, because to him, she embodies all that is right, good, and true; not because she demands special treatment. Daddies and mommies are constantly feeding the destinies/roles of each other. 

The destinies of mommies and daddies create functional, intact families, which are the families who weather the storms of life best. According to the Marri Research Institute, (who specializes in social science studies related to families), children who come from intact families have greater psychological stability, have better health and later deaths, earn higher grades, have higher high school graduation and college attendance rates, are less likely to behave disruptively or aggressively in classes, do their homework more, have more positive attitudes, and experience less abuse.    

Every family is different, and despite their best efforts, many families may not be intact any longer. The negative effects of this disruption in families is best countered by the attachment and help of loving extended family members or close friends. 

When daddies desire to live their destinies to provide for and protect their families, everyone is improved. Children see the need to turn their hearts toward goodness and strong character development, just like mom has been teaching them to do, when they see mommy’s heart turn toward daddy’s character/providing and protection. If daddy is the living example of mommy’s teachings, then the children believe the lessons are true. Children will turn out to be as virtuous as their fathers show them they should be. And fathers will be as virtuous as mothers teach/nurture them to be, so long as daddies stay teachable. Daddy’s destiny links to the destiny of us all.  

Let’s stop promoting so many lies about daddies. It hurts everyone. Daddies aren’t sex objects who prey on the smaller and younger. Daddies aren’t buffoons who have to be controlled by mommies. Daddies have power. Lots of power. So do mommies of course, but that is an article for another day. Happy Father’s Day!  

Order the newly improved and enhanced 2nd edition of Nicholeen’s bestselling book, “Parenting A House United” here.

When I first started doing policy work for the WOW organization I was shocked to see radical feminist NGO groups having open hostility and disdain for motherhood, yet also declaring they were activists for creating strong women. How is a woman strong at all when she tears down other women? It’s weak, manipulative, immature social behavior to try to make yourself look important by tearing other people down or ripping people apart.

Yesterday, May 9, 2020, emotions about motherhood came to the forefront as a young Australian child was ripped from his mother’s arms kicking and screaming while his mother was getting detained. The footage of the treatment of this child and mother is heart-wrenching to watch because we all know a child needs their mother for security and mental well-being. I couldn’t help but wonder if anyone was factoring in the trauma the child was facing and what the outcomes of that trauma might be fore that child. No one can replace a child’s mother. And, because of this fact, that we all personally know, we set aside a day each year to honor our mothers.

Since ancient times the importance of motherhood has been honored. Celebrations and festivals to honor Greek and Roman mother goddesses and the Christian celebration of “Mothering Sunday” during lent all happened long before the modern Mother’s Day we know today. So, how did Mother’s Day come about?

Ann Reeves Jarvis, from the US state of Virginia, started “Mother’s Day Work Clubs” prior to the Civil War to teach women how to better care for their children. After the Civil War, Jarvis and her “Mother’s Day Work Clubs” played an important role in unifying the most socially and politically divided state in the nation where she lived by hosting “Mother’s Friendship Day”. On these occasions the clubs would invite Union and Confederate soldiers to talk openly in order to promote reconciliation. It was this action by Jarvis that led the nation to make the second Sunday in May a national holiday dedicated to honoring the power and influence of Mothers in all of our lives.

Mothers, like Jarvis, have a history of not only mothering their children, but mothering communities and nations too. Even women who aren’t mothers yet, can be motherly influences upon the world when they promote high morals, values, and love of mankind. Jarvis’s groups helped bring a war-torn nation together by reaching out with love and creating a safe place for open communication to happen. That’s what mothers do. Jarvis’s clubs also taught mothers how to better care for their children. That’s what mothers do. They teach and lead, and even mother other mothers. The mothering I’ve received by other mothers has been a constant blessing in my life. Every time a mother or loving woman hugs me I think of the love and hugs from my mother.

My mother gives hugs and snuggles. She always has. I still remember crawling into bed with my mom as a child, and her wrapping her arms around me. I remember hugs while canning and cleaning together in the kitchen, and side-hugs while shopping with her. I can still feel those hugs after all these years. They are stamped in my body memory. Because of those memorable, loving embraces, I’ve always hugged and snuggled my children too. And now I have even more memories of truly loving embraces.

Thank you Mom, for showing me what love is, what it looks like, what it feels like, how it serves unselfishly, how it heals all the pains of life, and how it is blind to our imperfections. The example of your love for me helps me recognize God’s love for me. I can better understand how He cares because of how you care. ❤️ You are the heart and hearthstone of the our family. I owe my identity of my your deep and abiding love.

Happy Mother’s Day 2020!