Marriage & Family

Our Destiny and Daddies

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Sick, horrified, disgusted, and worried are just some of the words that describe how I felt when an innocent search through the student portal of the Utah Online Library database pulled up graphic porn in a resource that was supposed to be for children about daddies. The resource said that daddies were adult men who engage in sexual relationships with children of either sex. My stomach churned as I wondered, “How are people allowing the destruction of the destiny of real daddies and the abuse of children like this?” I refuse to use such an endearing term as “daddy” to describe pedophiles on websites that exploit children. Daddies have great destinies that impact us all. 

Destiny means, “State or condition appointed or predetermined; ultimate fate.” (Webster’s 1828 Dictionary) What is the destiny of a daddy? A daddy’s destiny is to provide for his family and protect them. That may sound too simplistic, or like something mommy could do too, but she can’t; at least not like a good daddy does it. I’m not endorsing stereotypes. Anyone can mow a lawn or cook a meal. Roles/destinies are so much more than task lists. 

The primary role and destiny of mother is to nurture. This may seem insignificant to some women, but her role is so significant that she’s irreplaceable. Mothers weave the moral fabric for society and lead each of us toward purposeful living through skill and heart training. Or, they don’t. Either way, they’re nurturing us all. Where do we end up without rock solid nurturing in our lives? The destiny of mothers is important, but often grossly under-appreciated, even by women themselves. What many mommies might not realize is that, without daddies, their destinies of nurturing their children’s hearts is not as effective. The destinies of mommies and daddies are intertwined. 

What does it really mean to provide and protect? I recently  spoke with a father who cares for the children at home while his wife makes the money for the family. He said, “I’ve come to understand that providing for my children doesn’t necessarily mean making money.” He’s right. And protecting the family doesn’t necessarily mean having big muscles and using weapons to stop bad guys either, even though historically daddies usually are the best prepared to fight off bad guys because they often learn about weapons and have big muscles. 

To provide means to do work or plan ahead of time for a future need. When I plant seeds in my garden, I’m providing for future nourishment needs. When I read books, I’m providing for the future teaching of my children. What does a daddy provide? What is more attractive than looks or money to a mommy? Security. When a daddy, who is usually the biggest and strongest, says something will be okay, everyone believes him. Daddies don’t allow themselves to worry too much. They keep pushing forward with faith that they can conquer the next hardship. This mental preparation makes them great leaders. Daddies also provide by preparing their hearts and characters to sacrifice, learn, have duty, be reverent and humble, show love and understanding, teach truth, impart wisdom, work hard, be loyal, be honest, and so much more. Yes, there is something about a strong man providing/preparing themselves to give their all for their families that no one else can ever adequately substitute for. The security from a really good daddy is felt for generations. 

To protect is “to cover,” or to put himself between the family and the threats against the family. There are many ways daddies can choose to do this. How does a daddy cover his family from these threats? 

1. Social, Political, or Familial war –  By making home a moral, peaceful, and strong place.

2. Sin – By eradicating sin within himself, seeking spiritual strength, and praying over his family regularly.

3. Famine or hardship –  He teaches the family, by example, the life skills and adaptability needed to live providently and wisely so that future needs can easily be met.

4. Manipulation and broken family bonds –  By taking the time to master his tongue, soften his impulses, and seek to understand his family members, he gently leads them toward peace. 

This list is just a beginning of how protector-daddies cover us. 

Since the destinies of mothers and fathers are intertwined, mommies also have an important part to play in protecting the family. If daddy is providing/preparing himself the way he should, then mommy trusts daddy, and allows him to cover the family. A man who masters himself earns the trust and respect of his wife. She endorses and appreciates daddy’s protection so that he knows his protection has been done right and is accepted. This moral influence upon daddy’s destiny, the destiny of herself, and the destiny of her children, is how mommy nurtures. And, daddy protects mommy, because to him, she embodies all that is right, good, and true; not because she demands special treatment. Daddies and mommies are constantly feeding the destinies/roles of each other. 

The destinies of mommies and daddies create functional, intact families, which are the families who weather the storms of life best. According to the Marri Research Institute, (who specializes in social science studies related to families), children who come from intact families have greater psychological stability, have better health and later deaths, earn higher grades, have higher high school graduation and college attendance rates, are less likely to behave disruptively or aggressively in classes, do their homework more, have more positive attitudes, and experience less abuse.    

Every family is different, and despite their best efforts, many families may not be intact any longer. The negative effects of this disruption in families is best countered by the attachment and help of loving extended family members or close friends. 

When daddies desire to live their destinies to provide for and protect their families, everyone is improved. Children see the need to turn their hearts toward goodness and strong character development, just like mom has been teaching them to do, when they see mommy’s heart turn toward daddy’s character/providing and protection. If daddy is the living example of mommy’s teachings, then the children believe the lessons are true. Children will turn out to be as virtuous as their fathers show them they should be. And fathers will be as virtuous as mothers teach/nurture them to be, so long as daddies stay teachable. Daddy’s destiny links to the destiny of us all.  

Let’s stop promoting so many lies about daddies. It hurts everyone. Daddies aren’t sex objects who prey on the smaller and younger. Daddies aren’t buffoons who have to be controlled by mommies. Daddies have power. Lots of power. So do mommies of course, but that is an article for another day. Happy Father’s Day!  

Order the newly improved and enhanced 2nd edition of Nicholeen’s bestselling book, “Parenting A House United” here.

Happy International Day of Families

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In December of 1989, the UN General Assembly Declared the International Year of the Family. The declaration came as the UN’s awareness and interest in the family developed during the 1980’s, and by 1989 the inclusion of families in the developmental process had officially been initiated. In 1993, the General Assembly set aside May 15, to be observed annually as International Day of Families.

2015 was historic for the family, Worldwide Organization for Women and other organizations who advocate for families. The UN Human Rights Council adopted an unprecedented “Protection of the Family” resolution. 2020 marks the 5 year anniversary of this document. Two important statements reaffirm:

…the family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and state.

...the family has the primary responsibility for the nurturing and protection

Strengthening families is at the heart of WOW’s mission and work.

Wildness and a Mother’s Historic Hold Upon Our Hearts

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When I first started doing policy work for the WOW organization I was shocked to see radical feminist NGO groups having open hostility and disdain for motherhood, yet also declaring they were activists for creating strong women. How is a woman strong at all when she tears down other women? It’s weak, manipulative, immature social behavior to try to make yourself look important by tearing other people down or ripping people apart.

Yesterday, May 9, 2020, emotions about motherhood came to the forefront as a young Australian child was ripped from his mother’s arms kicking and screaming while his mother was getting detained. The footage of the treatment of this child and mother is heart-wrenching to watch because we all know a child needs their mother for security and mental well-being. I couldn’t help but wonder if anyone was factoring in the trauma the child was facing and what the outcomes of that trauma might be fore that child. No one can replace a child’s mother. And, because of this fact, that we all personally know, we set aside a day each year to honor our mothers.

Since ancient times the importance of motherhood has been honored. Celebrations and festivals to honor Greek and Roman mother goddesses and the Christian celebration of “Mothering Sunday” during lent all happened long before the modern Mother’s Day we know today. So, how did Mother’s Day come about?

Ann Reeves Jarvis, from the US state of Virginia, started “Mother’s Day Work Clubs” prior to the Civil War to teach women how to better care for their children. After the Civil War, Jarvis and her “Mother’s Day Work Clubs” played an important role in unifying the most socially and politically divided state in the nation where she lived by hosting “Mother’s Friendship Day”. On these occasions the clubs would invite Union and Confederate soldiers to talk openly in order to promote reconciliation. It was this action by Jarvis that led the nation to make the second Sunday in May a national holiday dedicated to honoring the power and influence of Mothers in all of our lives.

Mothers, like Jarvis, have a history of not only mothering their children, but mothering communities and nations too. Even women who aren’t mothers yet, can be motherly influences upon the world when they promote high morals, values, and love of mankind. Jarvis’s groups helped bring a war-torn nation together by reaching out with love and creating a safe place for open communication to happen. That’s what mothers do. Jarvis’s clubs also taught mothers how to better care for their children. That’s what mothers do. They teach and lead, and even mother other mothers. The mothering I’ve received by other mothers has been a constant blessing in my life. Every time a mother or loving woman hugs me I think of the love and hugs from my mother.

My mother gives hugs and snuggles. She always has. I still remember crawling into bed with my mom as a child, and her wrapping her arms around me. I remember hugs while canning and cleaning together in the kitchen, and side-hugs while shopping with her. I can still feel those hugs after all these years. They are stamped in my body memory. Because of those memorable, loving embraces, I’ve always hugged and snuggled my children too. And now I have even more memories of truly loving embraces.

Thank you Mom, for showing me what love is, what it looks like, what it feels like, how it serves unselfishly, how it heals all the pains of life, and how it is blind to our imperfections. The example of your love for me helps me recognize God’s love for me. I can better understand how He cares because of how you care. ❤️ You are the heart and hearthstone of the our family. I owe my identity of my your deep and abiding love.

Happy Mother’s Day 2020!

10 Lessons for Listening With Love

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Much emotional agony is avoided and more relationship healing is possible when a person learns to listen with love. There were two similar conversations that had very different results. The first conversation was between a mother and her son. The son told his mother about a problem he was having with a friend, but she began a chore while he was talking to her. She let her son speak, but was distracted with her to To Do list and didn’t really listen with love.

With no solution to his problem, he was lost in thought. Then His father started a conversation. “You’re deep in thought son. Tell me what’s on your mind.”

Immediately the son explained the same story he had shared with his mother that afternoon. But this second conversation was different than the first, because the son left feeling like everything would be okay, like someone really understood, and like he knew what he must do for his friend next.

Why were the results of his father’s conversation so different than those of his mother’s? One parent was just there for the story, and the other parent knew how to listen with love.

Learning to Listen With Love

I’m a talker. This is my strength and my weakness. My brain naturally thinks of what it needs to say next very quickly, sometimes even before the person I’m talking to stops telling me what they want to say. The result of this quick thinking brain problem is that I can interrupt people, especially people who talk slow or take a long time to form their ideas. I’ve known the problem exists and have been working on it for a long time. Today I’d like to share some of the key lessons I’ve learned that have helped me listen with love.

These lessons aren’t just for talkers. Even people who aren’t quick to talk or form ideas can get lost in their own thoughts and forget to listen and really understand when someone is talking. I’m not perfect at listening with love yet. I have a feeling that it’s a lifetime pursuit. But, my conversations are significantly more connective than they were 25 years ago, 10 years ago, or even 2 years ago. This realization of this progress inspires me to continue  with my goal to really understand people. To do this I have to always focus on listening with love.

10 Listening Lessons

1. Focus your whole attention on them. One of the biggest reasons the father in this story had such a positive impact on the son, as opposed to the mother , is because the father took the time to focus his whole attention on his son. He didn’t look at screens or do chores. Nothing says love like giving our precious time to another person.

2. Silence is okay. Some people think that silence is an awkward feeling, and they do anything necessary to fill that silence with conversation, even if it means never allowing another person to talk. I’ve had to tell myself that silence is okay, even healthy. People need time to process what has been said and what they think about it. Embrace silence.

3. Sometimes just think but don’t say. In addition to embracing silence when it comes, sometimes we need to create some silence on our own. Maybe this was the hardest lesson for me to learn. I remember challenging myself not to talk in certain settings so that others could have more of a chance to talk. I couldn’t turn my brain off, but I could keep my mouth shut, for the most part, to let someone else shine. As long as I’m looking at the speaker, I’m still engaged in the conversation. This is really just being humble in social settings. Listening with love means first giving someone else the chance to speak.

4. Look at the person. Speak with your eyes. Looking in another person’s eyes is the easiest way to bond and show love and caring. When they’re talking, when you’re talking, and when no one is talking, take time to look into their eyes with love and kindness. Communicate the truths, “I really enjoy being with you,” and, “You matter to me,” with your eyes.

5. Judging first is always a trap. Judgements are required for solving problems. But if judgements come before all the facts, then they can be very destructive to relationships. Don’t decide what the root of the problem is until you’ve heard the whole story and asked some questions for clarification. Listening with love and understanding means giving the speaker time to tell their whole story. If you’re the kind of person who likes to ‘cut to the chase,’ save time, or solve a problem quickly, you could subconsciously turn your brain off when someone needs your listening ear. You know who you are.

6. Analyze their words before planning your words. Think their words twice before you speak. This habit is a great way to make sure you don’t judge them or try to solve their problem too quickly. This also helps you focus on what they are saying instead of worrying about what you will say next.

7. Value them and their experiences. Every story someone tells doesn’t have to relate to a story you’ve had in your own life. People who always try to follow up a story with one of their own stories give the impression that they think their experience is more significant than the experience shared. Sometimes it creates connections to share a similar story, but usually it steals the attention in a conversation. Be very careful. Listening with love means they are important enough to get time to let their story or experience shine in the conversation for a while.

8. Recognize that when they say something, they might have just heard it for the first time and could change their mind later. Don’t be overly concerned with word choice or emotional sentiment. People misrepresent what they mean all the time. When listening to someone tell an experience, let them tell it for their benefit as much as for yours. And remember, sometimes they just needed to tell someone in order to find the solution to their problem or to recognize the fault they had in a situation. Be that sounding board.

9. Ask questions. Conversations often get one sided or selfish if no one is willing to ask questions. Questions show that the listener really cares.

10. Repeat back what they said. Repeating back key points someone shared in conversation does a few things. It helps a lazy listener stay on task, it gives a listener time to think of what to say, and it shows the other speaker that they were understood.

Just like my self-government journey to listen with love, each of us have behaviors we want to change about ourselves. Listening with love has changed my relationships with my husband, my children, God, my friends, and my acquaintances. I’m not perfect yet, but I know self-government is possible in all the areas of my life because of the success I’ve had with this one issue. Which of the 10 lessons do you need to work on most to become a better listener? Pick one to work on this week. Small, deliberate actions towards a personal goal can change a life forever.

Learn more self-government skills to strengthen your relationships at the upcoming Teaching Self-Government Parenting Mastery Training. Details are here.

Sowing Seeds of Local Self-Government in Kenyan Fields: WOW Launches Fundraiser for The Gutuka Project This Fall

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This month, WOW is conducting a campaign to generate funds in support of our Kenyan sisters and the children they are caring for in Homebay, a peanut growing region of the Nyanza Province.  The women participating in The  Gutuka Project  are members of a local  SACCO,  a savings and credit cooperative,  chaired under the leadership of The Family Resource Center and Jenipher Otieno.  All Funds generated from WOW’s campaign will go directly to the project. The Family Resource Center provides training and support for orphaned children and families caring for these children. 

The Heart of the Program:

 

The purpose in the forming of the coop initially was to provide sustainable solutions for the many orphans in the area. The women who help take in these orphaned children are essentially doing foster care for them, but unlike other places in the world, there is not government funding for these families.

It is often very economically difficult to add an extra person to a household already struggling in this region. There are currently about 30 women involved in the coop. Most of the women in the Gutuka program are the bread winners in their households. They provide for their families through small businesses that include the farming of peanuts, making baskets, raising poultry and making of foods. What makes these women and the program so special is that many of the women have opened their hearts and homes to orphans, that had no place to go. The Coop makes it economically possible to care for the children as well as their families. Please help these children by making a donation. 

 

The How of the Program:

 

Each family will be responsible for their own planting and harvest. At harvest, the individual families will be paid cash for their crop. The peanut grinding machine will be kept at a center, where the peanut butter will be ground and packaged.  Proceeds from the sale of the peanut butter will go toward food subsidies for the children, and the future purchase of more peanut seed, which the families will receive for free to replant the next crop.

The Cost of the Program:

There are three financial components to the proposed project. The first is to raise money for the purchase of seed for planting peanuts, estimated around $800 US dollars. Planting time for peanuts begins in November. There are generally two successive plantings for the peanut crop. The second is to purchase a peanut grinding machine estimated at $700 US dollars. The peanut grinder is a means for the women to produce peanut butter, which is a nutritious product as well as cash generating for their families. The third component is continuing education for the women, estimated at $1000 US dollars. Building their capacity through training in business skills, will help them improve their income generating and saving activities. These families have already raised $500 US dollars toward the project themselves by saving $2 US dollars a month consistently.

Gutuka is a Swahili word meaning “self-realization,” or as we would say in the US, self-reliant. This is the type of genuine investment in women that WOW advocates for. Please join WOW in making a donation today to help plant seeds of local self-government in the fields of our Kenyan sisters’ gardens. Just go to WOW’s website, and press the donate button. Enter your donation amount. Tag the donation as “Gutuka Program.” We appreciate your support of this project, and all donations are tax deductible.

WOW Brings Cultural Revolution to the UN Civil Society Conference in Salt Lake City, Utah

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WOW has always been dedicated to strengthening families to improve life for children and future generations. This past August at the UN Civil Society conference in Salt Lake City, WOW presented a session called “Cultural Parenting Revolution for a Socially Sustainable Future”.

If our future generations don’t feel empowered enough to control themselves they will always be in bondage to their behaviors and mistakes. What issues are facing children today? We are witnessing suicide, depression, disconnection, addiction, dissatisfaction with life, poor communication skills, fractured relationships, feelings of victimhood, and being overwhelmed.

As with any social problem, children’s issues are created by multiple problems. But, one thing social science backs up is that children who have strong families have greater gains as children and adults.

This Cultural Parenting Revolution combined parenting experts Nicholeen Peck and Dr. Jennifer Jensen, who talked about intentional things parents can do to create stability and safety for their children.

This event was a great success! The room was filled and people left understanding that strong families need to be and essential part of the UN conversation on sustainable futures. Reports of excitement from multiple conference attendees that their new focus would be on strengthening families, given to WOW from other NGOs at the conference confirmed that the message WOW and Gathering Families gave about being intentional and self-governed in our family relationships really hit home.

As a side note, WOW also collaborated with NAFFA, Native American Families and Fatherhood Association, for another event dedicated to honoring women and girls. WOW focused on the programs it is doing in Africa to help women and girls sustain their families and provide for children.

Parenting with Grace

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Children aren’t perfect, and neither are parents. However, parenting isn’t about being perfect. And, there’s no such thing as a perfect child. Of course, perfection isn’t the goal of my parenting anyway. My goal has always been to create joyful adults. Joyful adults are those that know what their mission in life is and they’re dedicated and eager to do what it takes to achieve this mission. They also have solid relationships with God and family. 

The key to becoming joyful parents and joyfully parenting is learning how to parent with grace. There are two ways I practice grace during parenting. And in the process, it helps my children become who they’re meant to be.

Giving Hearts

The purpose of nurturing and guiding children is to train their hearts toward goodness. To touch the heart of a child, the parent’s heart must also be turned toward the child. In order for the child to trust the parent to guide his/her heart, there must be a feeling of goodwill and caring from the parent. How can parents maintain a soft heart while helping their child have a change of heart too?

To create an environment that feels safe for a heart to change, a parent must lead by principle — not by emotional reactions. Additionally, the parenting should be honest. This requires consistent, well-taught and predictable teaching. That includes proper correcting during interactions. But the most important part of creating a heart-changing atmosphere at home is keeping the parent’s heart in the right place.

This is important because people learn more from feeling than they do by logic. Logic is required to discover rational honesty in order to engage the will and brain in overcoming selfish desires and dangerous, uncharitable misconceptions. But it’s the feeling or tone that exists in any given situation that has the power to change the heart for the good… or bad.

So, to manipulate a heart you use controlling or fearful feelings. But to honestly transform a heart, you have to use genuine honest feelings. Yes, there are different kinds of feelings. There are dishonest, selfish feelings and there are honest, duty driven, charitable feelings. Real understanding, compassionate, service-oriented love — for instance — is a kind of feeling that makes us better people and lets others know they really matter to us. But, passion-driven, preference oriented, physical love is really only about one person wanting another to comply with them for selfish reasons, which is manipulative.

When a parent or a child has a genuine, heart-felt love for the other, then he/she gives their whole heart to the person, nothing wavering. This means they don’t talk in ways that attack others. They don’t think the worst of the other or gossip about the other. It’s this feeling of giving the whole heart that makes any teaching or accepting of a correction feel safe, honest and unified.

Grace Moments

Fully understanding and applying grace is a lifetime pursuit of mine. It’s more than can be taught in this short article. So, for this parenting lesson I’m going to focus on two aspects of grace that can be easily applied to our parenting moments:

  1. Seeing them through it.
  2. Giving them heart power.

First, seeing them through it could mean helping children through their life’s challenges as a loving, always-there-for-them support. Or it could mean no matter what behaviors we see on the outside; we should take the time to see the “real” them on the inside. Both of these applications are important for transforming our parenting moments into moments of grace.

I see so many parents emotionally turn against their children when the hard moments come. They feel the bed wetting, the teasing, the emotional barriers, and the attitude problems are too much to handle. As a result, parents then end up feeling frustrated and alone. Frustration and loneliness are two signs that the heart isn’t in the right place.

Home should always be the safest place to make mistakes. We must not take mistakes personally. If any mistake is okay to work through, then parents are properly supportive.

Seeing children through it also means seeing their true value despite their behaviors or mistakes. This is the most important focus a parent can have. When children don’t meet expectations, it’s easy to obsess over bad qualities and become bothered by the children. It’s not a parent’s job to focus attention on what they’ve done wrong as much as it is to focus attention on what they need to learn in order to do right. Both focuses require correction, but only one focus is productive.

Second, parents should focus on giving their child heart power. To really have grace is to share this heart power. This means a parent wouldn’t be content with keeping all the love, all the truth, all the correct behaviors, all the understanding, or all the attachment to themselves. Rather, they would willingly do all they can to help the child develop these strengths as well.

The best way to help others feel empowered to become their best is a process I think of as touching hearts. Every time a parent teaches their children about life, family, corrections that need to be made, and the purpose of it all, they must do it with heart. They look into their child’s eyes and think, “I love you. You are a great person who I feel privileged to teach. I love you.”

These thoughts come through, even when a parent is telling a child to do a chore or fix a mistake he/she has made. This feeling never stops. This is a feeling that never, ever gives up on the child — no matter how bad the choices are that the child makes. I know it’s easier said than done to feel this love during corrections. But trust me; it is possible.

It’s my goal to bring every interaction and relationship I have up to this level. The work is slow; and my imperfections are apparent. But, when I have moments that feel like parenting grace, I am motivated for a lifetime! Nothing can compare to the increased love I feel for my child and for God during these moments. For I know that without His love and understanding for me, I wouldn’t have enough power to show love to others in this way.

Parenting A House United: Changing Children Hearts and Behaviors by Teaching Self-Government is a book designed to help parents and children have a change of heart.

The Data About Dads And Self Confidence

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“Go long Porter!” said Dad to his 15-year-old son as they played Frisbee in the circle in front of our home. Dad and Porter throw Frisbees regularly in the evening. Am I mad that my husband is playing games with his son instead of helping me with the dinner preparation? No way! That play time is more vital that even he realizes. In fact, it’s because of that play time that Porter wants to work with his dad and be like his dad one day. It’s also one of the big factors in Porter’s confidence and high standards.

Sometimes dads are given criticism for being a little bit too light-hearted, playful, or getting the children all wound up at the wrong times — like when it’s time for bed.

When I was a little girl my dad would say, “Time for bed. How are we getting there tonight?” At this point, we knew we could choose piggy back rides, shoulder rides, football carries, or the family favorite: the “sack of flour.” The “sack of flour” was when Dad would throw us over his shoulder and carry us like a sack of flour down the hallway to our beds. Then he would flip us off his shoulder onto the bed in one smooth and powerful motion.

After being flopped in our beds, Dad would tickle us and sing funny songs while dancing around our rooms. Finally, he would hug us and stroke our hair and pretend he was eating our face off or blow “zerberts” on our cheeks (which made the loudest noises). There was nothing more fun than going to bed when Dad was home. Even though I wouldn’t trade the night time ritual for anything, I have to admit that after getting all wound up before bed that it was sometimes a bit hard to fall asleep.

Struggling to go to bed was worth it for what I got out of those night-time antics. I also benefitted from our deep daddy/daughter discussions, daddy dates, work projects with dad, and being on Dad’s team when he coached T-ball. I’m not sure I experienced much more felicity as a youth than when I was playing catch with my dad in the backyard.

My dad made confident children. He taught us we could do anything. But he didn’t really use words to instill confidence in us, even though he did talk about confidence a few times. He raised us strong and confident by playing with us and constantly exposing us to things outside our comfort zones — things we weren’t sure we could actually do. We soon learned that with Dad by our side, all things were possible. We knew he loved us and that we could trust him.

The Data About Dads

Pat Fagan, a child and family therapist who founded the Marri Research Institute, has studied the critical role fathers play in the lives of their children. His findings point strongly toward the vital importance of having Dad as a playmate for building self-confident children.

While Dr. Fagan acknowledges the vital role of mothers in the lives of children, he also said this about fathers of young children: “The embrace and horseplay that father and child engage in develops his [child]’s trust and confidence. The task is friendship, the method is play: Anything and all that the [child] enjoys with his father. It can be tiddlywinks or football, drawing or singing, reading or baseball, fishing or hiking: whatever brings joy to the child in playing with his father.”

Speaking of children ages three to nine years old, Fagan said, “The goal is confidence in Dad as a source of fun and protection. The horseplay is for the enjoyment of the child — not the father… If a son knows that his father revels in his presence and in playing with him, the father has given him a great gift… “I am lovable” and “I believe in myself because he believes so much in me.”

When speaking about the future effects on the father’s children, Dr. Fagan said, “To be affirmed in his strengths by his father is one of life’s great experiences for a boy. It lasts a lifetime and shapes his relationships and his professional [work] life for years and years to come.”

Dr. Fagan’s work also shows that as children grow into adolescence, they learn from their fathers about taking responsibility, bravely stepping out into the unknown, acknowledging strengths and weaknesses, and working on self-improvement.

Adolescents also learn to respect and care for the opposite sex from their fathers. When father loves mother and mother loves being nurtured by father, then children develop a healthy view of human relationships and the potential for marital and sexual success.

Fathers teach their sons, by example, to honor women. And they teach their daughters, with wisdom, to honor men. Think of the abuse situations and harsh words that wouldn’t happen in marriages worldwide if fathers knew the power they have with raising their children.

When speaking of a father’s influence on relationships with the opposite sex, it’s important to note that children that have solid relationships with their fathers, including lots of talk and play time, are oftentimes more confident when talking with people of the opposite sex and in making new friends.

Don’t Dismiss Dads

Not all families are perfect.

One of my favorite Christmas stories, “A Christmas Tree for Aaron,” is about a single widowed mother and her two young boys who didn’t have enough money for a Christmas tree. The seven-year-old older brother remembered that his father used to tell him that he was the man of the house if his father ever left. That meant he was going to be the man of the house after his father died. Therefore, it was his responsibility to get his brother a Christmas tree. And, through great planning, hard work, and the help of a father who lived near him, he did.

Even though Aaron’s family didn’t have a father in the home anymore, the spirit of father was still there. They didn’t move on as if they didn’t need a father. They knew they needed a father. Alma, the older brother, and the neighbor both stepped up to fill that role for the family.

Even if your family structure doesn’t currently include a father, bring the idea of father into your home by reading books and watching movies about strong father figures. Also bring other strong father figures into the family culture to give the children what they need for proper relationship and personal development.

Fathers are a vital part to developing self-confident young people and future adults. That rough-housing, ball bouncing, and those silly stories and songs are doing more than we might know. The safety, identity, and confidence of the children depend on having those stories, games and songs with Dad — even if it’s just a Frisbee or a “sack of flour” ride in the evening.

Read “Roles: The Secret to Family, Business and Social Success” for more about improving the father/child bond.

What Your Mother Really Wants

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Recently, while texting with my oldest son, he asked, “Hey, what do you want for Mother’s Day?” 

I shouldn’t really admit that I don’t like those kinds of questions, but the truth is I don’t. Maybe it’s because my love language isn’t gifts, or maybe it’s because I never know what to say. The most likely reason, however, is that deep down I always hope they already know what matters most to me. 

What Matters Most

Obviously, what matters most varies from person to person. But by and large mothers, who focus the majority of their lives on developing good relationships with their children and willingly give up any possibility for real free time to teach and nurture their children, all agree on one thing: The power of the gift comes from the heart behind the gift, not the gift itself.

Since my son recently started his own family, I felt it was a good time to give him a gifts-to-Mom rule of thumb for the rest of his life.

This is what I texted back to my son:

“Well, I don’t usually make lists of things I want… As a general rule what I want is a deep display of the love my children have for me. This means a thoughtful or personal card is just as valuable as my favorite flowers, yard work service, a book I would enjoy, a new spring skirt, etc. Whatever shows me your love will always be what I want for Mother’s Day, or any other occasion for that matter.”

I don’t know if I made Mother’s Day harder or easier on my son. Hopefully he learned that money doesn’t make a good gift. He could even tell me what he wished he could get me and why, and I would feel his love more than if he actually spent too much money and purchased that item.

Relationship Strengthening 

In the end, the thing that matters most in relationships is talking about the relationship. Holidays give us a chance to talk about what we love most about our relationships and a chance to give praise, acts of kindness, and love to those we most often take for granted. It’s strange that the people we most love are often the ones we seldom tell how much we love and appreciate.

I don’t know about your mother, but for me words, actions or items of deep love are all I want. These gifts give me what money can’t buy; a reminder and rekindling of a relationship that is more important to me than any worldly possession. 

Grace is Behind the Thanks: Just Ask Mom

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This Thanksgiving Day is dedicated to feeling and expressing gratitude for our blessings. Are you grateful for who you are and the roles you have?

Two Mothers

Two mothers, Tina and Katy, are watching the ball game of their oldest sons. Their boys play for the same team. Each mother has other children busily running around on the sidelines as well. Each mother attempts to support her ball-playing son by watching all his plays on the field, while also trying to keep her other children from causing any problems for onlookers or officials.

Tina’s 5-year-old daughter walks up to her 6-year-old son and says something. The son punches his sister. She whines to Mom to get her attention. Immediately, the son whines to Mom as well. Each are crying that the other did something mean to them. Tina ignores the situation and hopes it will go away so that she can see the game.

The children stop whining and start a new game. The game started by the son is “Truth and Dare.” He says “truth or dare” to his sister. No matter what she says he punches her. This goes on for a few minutes. The girl finally cries louder than before. Tina pulls the children aggressively by the arm and walks the whole family off the field. Now no one gets happiness. The son in the game no longer has his family as an audience, the mother doesn’t get to support her son, and the younger children don’t get to have play time.

Katy has two twin boys that are running around on the grass. One boy gets his foot tangled in a net and trips and falls because the other boy wouldn’t move out of his way when playing. The fallen boy cries in panic because he can’t get his foot out. The other boy whines that the other boy stepped on him.

Katy walks over to her children and helps the son get his foot loose from the net. She gives him a hug and begins to talk to the children. She walks back to her seat on the bleachers with her children each holding one of her hands. They sit next to her, on either side. She has corrected the problem, they seem calm, and she’s instituted a consequence. Katy’s able to continue to give her ball-playing son the attention he needs. Everyone is happy.

A Grateful Heart

Each situation explained here was caused by the selfishness, or meanness, of one child toward another. Each situation required a mother’s attention and correction. Each situation ended with a mother walking with her children. But, only one situation involved a grateful heart.

The situations contrast each other in these ways: Katy acted immediately on the situation, while Tina initially ignored the problem with her younger children. Because she ignored the situation, the mean behavior of Tina’s children increased. Katy remained calm about her crying children. Tina became emotional. Tina seemed annoyed that she needed to do teaching and correcting for her whining children. Katy’s children all got what they needed and ended up happy, while none of Tina’s children got what they needed from their mother and ended up sad. Katy was able to walk back to the game, but Tina had to remove her family from the game.

There’s one big difference between these two mothers. It’s the major reason why their similar situations ended so differently: the hearts of the mothers. Tina feels that these moments are the worst part of being a mother and feels annoyed. Tina takes the bad behaviors of the children personally because she doesn’t want to deal with it.  By contrast, Katy is grateful for these moments she has to teach and correct her children. Her gratitude is a type of grace she has for her children. She credits God for helping her be gracious when a problem needs her attention. She’s blessed with the power of a grateful heart.

Grace in the Gratitude

The words grateful, gracious, and grace all come from the Latin word gratia, which means “out of good will, kindness, virtuous disposition, meekness, humility, patience, faith, [and] the free unmerited love and favor of God.”

When a person is grateful for blessings or for people, they’re acting with grace. When a person is gracious in life’s variety of situations, they’re also practicing grace.

To have gratitude is to be filled with grace. It’s a holy disposition that encourages kindness and patience in action. To feel gratitude is to feel a small piece of the love God has for us. No matter what evil we do, He always serves, loves and corrects us with patience and understanding.

For many, Thanksgiving Day is a day dedicated to feeling and expressing gratitude for our blessings. Are you grateful for who you are and the roles you have? A feeling of gratitude for your roles — whether parent, child, sister, employee or neighbor — changes your happiness level. To be grateful for who we are helps us develop a willing heart to do what is required of us because of who we were made to become. Gratitude is a step toward grace.

Katy, like so many gracious mothers, patiently helped her children overcome their problem, lovingly corrected them, and even allowed them to learn through consequences — but she did it all through grace with a spirit of gratitude. She chose to have this gratitude long before the soccer sign-ups were open. She deliberately taught herself early on that being a mother was beautiful, not torturous.

Have yourself a calm and grace-filled Thanksgiving and Christmas! Click here to see how you can qualify for free calmness cards and a free calmness audio class to help you with your gratitude goals.