Gender

The Talk

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I have the privilege of being Mom to four wonderful daughters. As head of our little feminine sphere, I’ve had to initiate lots of mother/daughter chats of various sorts- biological, social, etc, and the cautionary type, especially of the opposite sex. The youngest has reached the age where some of these talks follow in rapid succession as her autonomy is increasing in various social situations.  I was feeling well seasoned in this area, she being the fourth, but as I pondered, I realized we needed an additional cautionary talk because of the moral confusion that abounds.

I introduced my new topic right before she left for an all girl’s camp. We reviewed about how traditionally boys and girls are separated for many activities at her age for the general protection of girl’s modesty and chastity. A religious environment of all girls and women leaders, aside from petty social drama, I had previously felt were safe places for her older sisters in regards to these, but not for her. I had to tell her she had to guard her modesty and chastity around girls and women as well.  I’ve heard one too many stories lately, where some young woman was totally blindsided by an aggressive, even abusive advance by another female. I didn’t tell her about any of the stories, and I discussed this in a manner that protected her conscience and modesty. Still, this was a sobering moment for me, but as a parent I’ve got to understand the times we live and adjust accordingly.  I have the feeling there will be many more new topics I’m going to have to add to our chats.

Daddies Who Slay Dragons

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4 year old Avery Vidrine explained fathers like this, “They work hard, slay dragons, and love us!” 

This 4 year old girl obviously knows what it means to be a father and a protector. She has seen evidence in her own life. Her mother, Emily, said that Avery sends her father off to work every day with the phrase, “Now Prince Charming, go slay the dragons but be safe!” 

Avery knows her father keeps her safe from dragons and other scary things and knows her father loves her enough to go away from her each day and do all that hard work. Obviously her mother has helped her have gratitude and understanding for her father’s way of life. But as I heard Emily talk about the great trust her young daughter has in her father I wondered if Avery really knew what dragons an honorable father must fight to maintain powerful in his role as father and husband. 

There is no greater example of strength than a virtuous man. Maybe this is why the media goes to such great effort to distract men from what is most important and will be the most fulfiling in their lives; family and virtue. Maybe this is why the media encourages us to think of fathers as clueless and selfish. These lies about the identity and role of fathers and husbands decrease respect and destroy hope in fatherhood. Additionally these lies don’t really make women look strong or smart, they make women look like oppressors of men. These false gender roles diminish happiness in family life and create confusion. 

Husbands and wives, mothers and fathers are happiest and most fulfilled when they have put their priorities in order and they are deeply attached and involved with their families. 

What Are The Dragons? 

Daddies really do have to fight dragons every day. Not only are voices in society trying to undermine their existence and importance but these voices are also teasing and tempting men like never before. The sexual assault on the virtue of men is intense. Sexual obsession and addiction steals the freedom of men every day. When attached to sexual obsession men become detatched from family relationships. They feel empty and alone in a pit of addiction. This is a dragon daddies have to slay on a daily basis. It takes constant and diligent effort and a deliberate appeal to God and truth for help. 

Daddies, husbands and virtuous men must also slay these dragons: 

Media or gaming addictions

Work and money addictions

Waking up every morning

Scheduling life so that they have time or what is most important; God and family

Taking good care of themselves

Conquer laziness and entitlement thoughts

Live within their means

Keeping their standards high when others around them don’t

The list could definately go on and on. There are so many dragons to fight.

Think of your daddy, your husband, or the young men in your life who are training to become daddies. Look how hard they fight to become the men they are meant to be. Sure they may lose a battle here and there, but they keep going forward to slay those dragons again and again. 

This year, on this this Father’s Day, I think Avery Vidrine has it just right about fathers, “They work hard, slay dragons, and love us.” She will be a great support to the men in her life because she knows they must fight hard. 

Whenever I think of Avery’s description I am going to remember it like this; they work hard to slay dragons because they love us. 

The Best Way To Slay A Dragon 

The best way to slay a dragon and protect a family is through prayer. When the dragons come, a strong daddy prays. When a strong, valiant daddy sees dragons attacking his family and is children, because they will, he prays for and blesses them. 

Fathers are often described as protectors. They are often more endowed with physical strength and stamina to be sure, but I think the greatest protection I have ever seen men give is spiritual protection. 

When daddy stops himself from following the dragon that is after him and falls to his knees for strength he is using the most powerful self-government skill he has. Our loving Heavenly Father helps our earthly fathers to become the protectors the world needs when they unify with him through faith and prayer.

Personal Message: Thank you Spencer for slaying dragons every day and for being a warrior our children can draw strength and clarity from in these difficult and confusing times. 

The Hopeful Mother

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The whole idea of motherhood is an implication of hope. Her business is about raising the next generation as she keeps an eye toward the future and the possibilities for her posterity, which fills her heart and mind with all sorts of ideals. Wouldn’t it then be strange, that mother in keeping to her duty would shun any idealizing of her own role with her being a causal agent in the child’s life? It is only my broad observation, but there appears to exist in the younger generation a sort of intellectual snobbery toward an ideal. An ideal is simply a vision of possibility.  I guarantee my life circumstances in so many areas, like most on the planet, have fallen short of an ideal clung to, but it has been the very  vision of the ideal that has fueled a  hope within, which in turn has moved me to better action, especially as Mom. I’ve always liked the title of President Obama’s book, The Audacity of Hope. It implies to me a boldness of expectation in achievement of an ideal others might otherwise scoff at, but let them scoff.  I am grateful my faith affirms an ideal for motherhood.  A word like noble reminds me that although motherhood is universal, it is for no common purpose. Innately it stands dignified and principal. This truth transforms my monotonous and sometimes difficult tasks, though reality means not necessarily in the moment. Noble work doesn’t have to feel noble, and feeling one way or another does not diminish the reality of its importance. Angelic is another word that is often associated with the work of mothers. Why not when the work of angels is to minister, proclaim truth and stand in the trenches as warriors.  I need these ideals. They audaciously sustain my hope in me as a Mom, because when circumstances feel or truly are less than ideal, I know motherhood never is, never was and never will be.  

The Bathroom Debate Exposed

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Recently, North Carolina has been called stupid, mean,out-of-touch, etc. because they refuse to adopt gender neutral bathrooms. At the same time, big companies like Target have said that all of their bathrooms are gender neutral. People have walked into Target locations with phones recording in their pockets and asked if they, as men, can use the women’s bathrooms without any trouble. The managers assure them they can and that they will talk to women who give them any trouble. (Some videos and facebook posts about the topic have even been removed because they expose the lack of truth behind the policies made.)

The Family Policy Institute of Washington recently did a video that really sums it all up.

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Totally interesting! They point out that some people very easily call perspective truth. It’s kind of ironic that they are on a university campus because traditionally universities have focused so much effort on proof of facts. All the questions he asked the students are all answered with subjective answers. No one got out a tape measure or asked for a birth certificate to find facts.



To some this kind of thinking seems enlightened I think, but to me it feels like that old story about the Emperor’s New Clothes. “Oh, look at those great new clothes. I can’t see them but I better say I do because someone else says they can see them.” The whole time the emperor is naked marching down the street.



Maybe the more “education” people get now days the further away from the facts they find themselves. Education should free us not add bondage by creating confusion. This whole bathroom debate goes against reason and facts. It’s weird that we are even having it.



In the story The Emperor’s New Clothes the emperor’s men tell everyone to prepare to see the very new and expensive clothing. They also tell the people that if they don’t see the clothes then that means the person is unfit for office or unusually stupid.



Who are the swindler weavers today? Who are the emperor’s men? Who will be the little child that calls out, “But he hasn’t got anything on.” Hans Christian Anderson taught us what to do about this bathroom business a long time ago. We need to still consult the facts so that we are not swindled.

I’m sure there will be some who see the bathroom issue with different eyes, but I just keep seeing the facts and it doesn’t add up to be a good idea to change bathroom policies.



I ask myself, “Is it possible that we have been stupid about bathrooms and locker rooms since the beginning? Or, could it be that someone just wants us to buy a new way of living that will make us feel like we are smarter even if we did no fact checking or thinking?”



Here is the story if you need a refresher course. https://www.andersen.sdu.dk/vaerk/hersholt/TheEmperorsNewClothes_e.html

The Best Father’s Day Gift Ever!

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“Urgh!” my husband exclaimed, as he dropped on the leather couch in our family room.  

I could see he was frustrated. Maybe this was the moment I had been waiting for, praying for. Over the years I had seen my husband become more and more lazy in his parenting and communications.  We used to be on the same page with how we corrected and taught the children, but as his busy life consumed more of his time and energy, he started relaxing in his parenting style and had begun to lose touch with his role in the home.

He still saw himself as the leader and father of the family, but the children didn’t necessarily see him that way.  Since I was calmer than my husband and more consistent with teaching and correcting our children than he was, the children started respecting me, but manipulating him.  I felt bad as I saw the children growing further and further away from their father, so I prayed daily that he would feel motivated to change his course and find principles in his communications again.  

At this time in our marriage, I couldn’t talk to my husband about how I felt about these things because he didn’t like anyone to correct him. He viewed my comments, which were made from a place of love and concern, as criticism. Thankfully, we have both taken the time over the years to improve ourselves and our marriage relationship, so now we are in a place where we seek correction from each other., 

A Learning Moment

“What do you want?” I said.  

“What do you mean ‘what do I want?’ That’s a pretty broad question,” he replied.

“Well, you are obviously frustrated.  You just sat down with a deep sigh.  You must want something.  What do you want?  What do you want tor yourself and for your life right now?”  I questioned him again.

“I just want the kids to do what I say,” He confessed.  

“Oh, okay. Just say ‘I’m giving you an instruction…’ before you tell them what to do. The children know the steps to following instructions.  If you pre-teach them in that way before instructing they will understand you better,” I explained.

For years I had taught my children four basic communication and self-government skills and they were good at them.  My husband actually knew the skills too; he just didn’t choose to communicate with them. The most basic of the skills was Following Instructions.  The steps to Following Instructions are: 

Look at the person giving instruction with a calm face, voice and body

Say “okay” or ask to disagree appropriately

Do the task immediately

Check back when the task is complete  

My husband looked at me as a large smile spread across his face.  “Are you saying I need to use the ‘Four Basic Skills’ again?” 

“Well, I think that these skills — Following Instructions, Accepting No Answers, Accepting Consequences and Disagreeing Appropriately — are skills for life. So, yes.  I guess you can say that as parents we can’t stop teaching them these important skills,” I said.

“Okay. I will use the skills again.  I guess I assumed that they should just remember to obey once they were told to,” he confessed.

Now I was smiling. I had been praying that my husband would want to talk about the best way to teach the children, the way we used to discuss it.  My heart was thrilled, we were finally becoming unified the important mission of raising our children again. “Honey, that was a great couple’s meeting.” I said.

“A couple’s meeting?” he asked.

“Sure, these short meetings about what we want are vital to creating the kind of family we are hoping to have. If we have these meetings regularly, you can get lots of what you want.  If you want dinner by a certain time, or more time to cuddle and talk, you just need to tell me and I can help you get more of what you want.”  

At this moment shock set into my husband’s face. “You would make dinner by 6:00 pm every day if I said I wanted it?” he asked in disbelief.  

“I can’t say I would be perfect, but if you really wanted it, I would try to help you get what you want,” I assured him. “That is what people who love people do.  But, if we don’t ever talk about things deliberately, then I won’t know what you want and can’t help you get it.” 

“Okay, let’s have regular meetings,” he said with enthusiasm.  

Lessons Learned And Wants Received 

So, what do all dads want? They want their children to respect them and they want their wives to understand and help them.  Don’t we all want understanding and respect? These are two of the most important things to all people.

This year for Father’s Day, give the dad in your family what he wants most — to feel your love and understanding and to have peace at home.  Maybe this year focus more on how you communicate with him instead of focusing only on a gift. Of course he will still love that new tool or ticket to the big game. But if that game or tool comes with deep love shown through unity, understanding and respect, then the dad in your life will see himself as the luckiest man alive. 

To find out how to teach your family the Four Basic Skills or how to have meaningful couple’s meetings, visit https://teachingselfgovernment.com 

My Mother, My Hero

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To me, a hero is the person who liberates us from our ignorance or rescues us from bondage by teaching us the truths we need.
 

There was a time in my life when I didn’t see my mother as my hero. When I was a child, she seemed weak and emotionally fragile. Although I know now that this was a very hard time of her life, I didn’t see that as a child. I only saw a person who seemed emotionally incapable.
 

Around this time, I started looking outside of my home for a hero to follow. I looked at teachers and women in the neighborhood. I looked to the media and to my father. I found some good mentors, but also some confusing and morally damaging ones as well. In fact, some of my social connections I made started to work more and more against my having a good relationship with my mother. I became selfish, fighting with my mother on a regular basis.
 

In my teen years, I finally learned an important lesson that helped repair my relationship with my mother. I adopted the habit of saying “OK” and then following through anytime my mother asked me to do something. My respect and love for her grew once more, which has been a tremendous blessing in my life.
 

I didn’t truly realize how much of a hero my mother was until years later, when I found myself experiencing post-traumatic stress after the birth of my fourth child. I learned from that experience that a hero is someone who conquers their fears and problems along a difficult journey, then turns around and helps you along the way. My mother had walked the hero’s path when I was a child. I didn’t recognize it then, but I did during this hard time in my life.
 

After the complicated birth of my fourth child, my brain started to play tricks on me. Never had I been more afraid in my life. I thought I was broken and I didn’t know how to get myself back to normal. I was filled with panic attacks and racing thoughts. My body and mind wouldn’t rest, my senses were acutely aware of everything. After 24 hours of this, and in the middle of a panic attack, I picked up the phone and called my mother. I simply said, “I need help,” then hung up the phone.
 

Never in my life had I asked my mother for help like this or made such a short phone call, but my words literally wouldn’t form in the panic attack.
 

My hero-mother jumped in her car and rushed to my house. She ran in the door, took one look at me, and instantly recognized the problem. She told me, “I know what’s wrong. I’ve had this happen to me. We are going to the doctor now, because you’re not going to put up with this like I did for all those years.” She told me how after the birth of her last child — which also had lots of complications — she ended up in my same condition and battled through it for many, many years.
 

Then my mother said the sweetest, most heroic thing I’ve ever had anyone say to me. She said, “Nicholeen, I would go through all that again so that you don’t have to. Now I know why I had to have that awful experience. It was to save you from having the same problem. I can finally say I’m glad I went through all that.”
 

I had judged my mother. I had thought she was weak. Now I knew she was stronger than anyone. She kept mothering, kept loving, and kept serving, even through her darkest days. That is the journey a hero makes.
 

Motherhood is hard — it is the work of heroes. It’s also the greatest gift a woman ever receives.
 

Thank you Mom! You are my hero and my friend! Happy Mothers’ Day!

Here is a free video to help mother’s make their homes more blissful.  

Mothers: The Next Generation’s Hope for the Future

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     This is Lydia Sigourney’s message in her beautifully intelligent 1838 treatise on Motherhood, “Letters to Mothers”. Each page inspires one to recognize the noble and glorious work of Mother, while instructing in a gentle manner through story, anecdote, and practical wisdom. Her work brings energy to the soul, and will strengthen your resolve as a Mom.  A few of her notions for a woman’s place will seem starkly Victorian, but her message to mothers remains a timeless model worth emulation.

“Let Mothers mingle their teachings with smiles, and the dialect of love. It is surprising how soon an infant learns to read the countenance, how it deciphers the charm of a cheerful spirit, how it longs to be loved.”

“….the strength of a nation, especially of a republican nation is in the intelligent and well-ordered homes of the people. And in proportion as the discipline of families is relaxed, will the happy organization of communities be affected, and national character becomes vagrant, turbulent, or ripe for revolution.”

“Do you ask, when shall we begin to teach our children religion ? As soon as you see them.As soon as they are laid upon your breast. As soon as you feel the pure breath issuing from thatwondrous tissue of air vessels which God has wreathed around the heart. The religion of a new-born babe, is…”  (Infancy)

     The above are quotes from Lydia, Christian wife, mother, and the American poetess of the Victorian era, known as the “Sweet Singer of Hartford” and the “Female Milton”.  Her popular wisdom inspired many 19th century female Lyceum Societies to be named after her. It is a shame her work has quietly gone into the dust bin of History, but old can be new again. Give yourself, your family, and society a gift this Mother’s Day and share , “Letters to Mothers”. You can find her work free online at :     https://archive.org/details/letterstomother00sigogoo

Gender Confessions: Valuing Men & Women Part 1 [Video Exclusive]

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The success of the family depends upon each family member feeling valued and fulfilling their full potential. 
 
In this one of a kind video Nicholeen and David talk about how men are facing an identity crisis and how women and men both need to be valued for future familial success.
 
There is also talk about how laziness and love of pleasure are taking over the male identity and how technology has played a part in devaluing men and women.
 
This video is the first part of a two segment series called Gender Confessions: Valuing Men & Women.

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A Year To Remember For The Utah Legislature!

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This year WOW was actively engaged in the Utah Legislature fighting to protect religious libertites, parental rights, family, and rights of conscience.  There were a lot of bills and resolutions this session that are worth talking about.  

The biggest topic on Utah capitol hill for the past few years has been what to do about the anti-discrimination bills that keep pushing language that would not protect religious liberties.  WOW has fought dilligently for the past three years to protect religious liberties. 

SB99, SB100, HB322, SB297 and SB296 were a handful of the bills that asked for religious liberties or anti-discrimination legislation or both.  Of these bills SB296 and SB297 passed.  This last bill was a balanced bill calling for anti-discrimination in housing and employment, but also calling for protection of religious liberties.  

During this legislative session the LDS church spoke out in favor of SB296 and SB297undoubtably making a positive influence on their passing. The ACLU opposed these bills. WOW was very disappointed that HB322 did not pass as it was a very good bill for protecting religious liberties.  

There was an exciting bill stating that parents must opt their children into sex ed. classes now.  This is a great precaution to take to protect the consciences of children and religious freedoms as well as parental rights.

HB48 passed.  This bill prevents some uses of powdered alcohol.  This is good news. 

WOW was opposed to HB391 the death with diginity (assisted suicide) bill. Luckily this bill did not pass. 

WOW was opposed to HB134 which was a homeschool tax credit bill.  We felt that this bill would potentially lead to regulation of homeschooling families in the future leading to possible violations of parent rights, and it is not a fair bill to other families who don’t have children in public schools and won’t get credits.  This bill did not pass. 

SB175 unfortunately passed.  It was a bill designed to create a school safety help line for children.  This hotline will be promoted to children.  The calls will be taken by unknown people at the University of Utah and parents will not be told if their child calls the number.  We have not been able to determine what kinds of advice or services can be offered by the unknown people at the college.  We see this bill as a very possible violation of conscience and a definate violation of parental rights to help their own children.  We felt it would be better to adopt a plan to teach children to talk more with their parents and teachers instead of take more tax money to refer children to strangers whose morals are not known. 

These were some of the big bills we watched and chimed in on.  But, there are always some kind of ridiculous bills like this one.  Did you know that in Utah code it says it is against the law to ride a bicycle with no hands?  Some things are not meant to be made into laws.  

It is important that we all stay as informed as possible so that we can stand up for the principles and values we hold dear.